I don't like facebook

Got rid of my tinder too since it uses facebook

Bumble still works

I feel better already just by deleting it

I think when you tell me "I'm spoiling you" what you really mean is "I'm worried you don't appreciate me" but what I hear is "I don't think you deserve nice treatment".

Maybe because you're worried that I don't appreciate you, you are trying to tell me I don't deserve nice things so I will appreciate it. It seems manipulative. I don't think you were aware of it, but that's what it looks like.

I also want to let you know that I don't like being called sexy or hot. I have been called this frequently by people who have objectified me and only found interest in my body. Especially when I rarely get a compliment on my thoughts or actions, I don't like focus on my appearance. Similar to how I didn't like the 25%.

Sure. I usually call you cutie. Do you want me to not use that?

Okay

I'm not in a good mood

Yeah

That conversation made me uncomfortable

But we can talk later

I need some time to myself

Please don't come home tonight

I am really upset at you

I didn't say you owe me marriage

You don't owe me anything

I don't think I said it in a mean way

I just said please don't come home

Yeah you can always stay at your work

I need space

And also I'm upset at you. But it's healthier for me to take time and space for myself right now than to talk with you

You can stay at your place tonight if you want. I will not be there. I still be at my studio

Basically what I figured out yesterday is that you, perhaps without knowing or meaning to be, have been abusive to me in our relationship. And I cannot trust any feelings of closeness I have to you or any desire I have to stay with you because they are a symptom of Stockholm syndrome. It explains a lot of our relationship and why I stayed. I recognized it yesterday finally when I heard my mom in you, then it all started to make sense. I hope that you simply were unaware and that you didn't choose me because I told you my history on our second date and you realized you had something to work with. Either way, I can't really trust any answer you'll give me. I don't owe you an explanation, but there it is. Perhaps in the future, if I believe this wasn't a set up I might be willing to help you see how you are abusive, but I don't know. Actually that sounds like a really bad idea for me because I'm back in the servitude "helper" role and it's very dangerous for me.

Anyway, if you need help, please get it, but not from me.

I didn't tell anyone that you're abusive if you're worried about that

I did tell close people to me that if something should happen to me that I didn't do it myself and that it was probably you. So don't think of sending people after me.

You're very smart, so it's hard for me to believe that you did all this without realizing it.

But if you did, the lesson is that you are extremely insecure and you have the need to be in control and you manipulate people to keep it.

I was an extremely easy target because I was broken and honest about it and I had already been abused and been with abusive men

I told you you have the need to be in control before and you denied it, saying basically that you wish you didn't have the need, but that you don't trust others to take control. Basically you're in denial about your need to control due to lack of trust and insecurity

I don't think you know yourself as well as you think you do. I'm hoping. Because it's either that you don't know yourself, or you're a manipulative liar.

After I realized all this it made more sense that I didn't trust you after watching moonlight and it made sense that I had a strong feeling that I was in danger after seeing Get Out. Somewhere deep down I knew I was in a bad situation with you and that I couldn't trust you. I started getting upset when you wanted to know what's in my mind when I realized you use it to control me

That's why you've always wanted to know what's in my head. The more you knew what I thought the more control you had

Your mistake was coming too closely to the kind of abuse I was more familiar with. When I heard it and it clicked, I could not look back. Even though I knew soon the self-doubt that you ingrained in me would come back and I'd think I was crazy. It actually took help from a loved one to help me break completely free and trust myself enough to leave.

I'm guessing you learned this from your mom, the psychoanalyst who also has strong desire for control and uses her expertise to maintain it.

It took me this long. Still i hope somehow it an accident and you were unaware

I know I brought up the power difference often. One thing to realize with that is that there is a greater probability for abuse to occur in that situation

I know I brought up the power difference often. One thing to realize with that is that there is a greater probability for abuse to occur in that situation

You were also teaching me more about progressive stuff which got my trust and also gave you a higher position to control me from

The more I think about it, it's hard for me to believe that you didn't know

You chose me.

It is almost the exact situation as get out. In that movie, the mom was also a psychologist. And you wanted something from me. You wanted my warmth

A lot of the things you say about yourself don't line up with your actions, especially with regards to sex. It's either that you're trying to deceive the person you're with or you're in denial about who you are and how you feel.

I think it was starting to click with me a few days ago. I got tired of you always "correcting" me to make me doubt myself. First you criticized me incessantly until I was twice suicidal, then you switched to correcting me constantly so that I couldn't trust a thought I had

I was feeling resentment towards you and a desire to be free

I had been thinking about my most recent ex, Dustin. He was not a great partner, but never once did he make me feel how you did. I remember I had to write myself a note, "How do you feel about yourself when you're with the person?" when I was with you, I felt like the worst piece of crap in existence. Other people didn't make me feel that way.

It makes sense that I didn't see you in the clay man. I saw somebody who loved me and because I couldn't picture it, I only saw a clay man.

I was constantly taking care of your emotions and proactively keeping them safe rather than thinking of my own feelings and wishes

Maybe you knew, maybe you didn't. If you knew I feel sorry for the next target. If you didn't, I hope you get help

I'm not splitting and you're ignoring and invalidating what I told you because you don't want to face that you are abusive

I am giving you honest feedback

I know. I experienced it

You maybe didn't get a chance to abuse your friends

I was closer. I was there

Your mom is a psychoanalyst who tried to control you. You are insecure and you try to control those closest to you

I know you won't listen to me because then you'd have to face that you're abusive

The same as how my mom wouldn't listen

I'm glad it wasn't intentional

You need to get help

And don't rely on your "friends" for honest feedback. Your friends all idolize you

And they don't have the same kind of experience with you

I'm insulted that you are again putting down what I'm telling you

But you would because that's what you've done to me this entire time

If I were you I would admit to myself that I'm abusive and go get help

The reasons you are abusive stem from deep insecurity and need to control

Also the arrogance you admit stems from deep insecurity as well

Your continual desire to diminish the validity of my thoughts should make it evident that what I'm saying is important

I also understand things about you that you don't.

You are also going to want to find a way to dismiss it

Honestly the only thing you can do is go get help

And your resistance to that is telling.

Similar to how people have to admit that are racist, you have to admit you're abusive

Just go get help.

And please don't say stuff like that. You wouldn't help anybody by doing that

I am not. You are deflecting

This is the same thing my mom does

I'm not responsible for your mental health

Good. You're not responsible for mine either

I didn't have a choice. You are manipulative and I can only hear myself when I'm safe and away from you

Don't focus on me. Focus on yourself

I'm glad you're going to get help

I did it to save you because that's how I've been conditioned. I have the desire to save my abusers. But only after I first get safe and away. I trust that you didn't know and you deserve a chance to get better

Okay. I'm not going to text you anymore to convince you of the validity of my thoughts. I've said enough. It's up to you to trust me or dismiss me

I still love you so this is really hard for me, but I had to save myself

There was good things about you and the relationship too that I will keep. But overall it was very unhealthy and I needed to get out of it

Maybe if you get help one day we can be friends

You can get better and you are worth your investment

Okay that's good. Be away.

I probably shouldn't talk to you at all anyway.

I just want to point out that your response to me telling you that you were abusive was first to tell me that I can't trust my mind because you believe I have BPD and I'm "splitting". Then your response changed to trying to make me feel guilty for texting you and centering your hurt feelings for getting text messages from me explaining that you are abusive. Then you decided to call me abusive for texting you. It's pretty much a textbook response. You actually helped me recognize abusive patterns by explaining my interactions with my mom to me. So that makes me hopeful that you were unaware of what you were doing

This is not easy for me. Part of me wants you to explain it away and to go back to you and find comfort in your arms. But another part of me realizes that that would be my end. And despite what I've been told, I'm worthy of living. So I can't do that

Yeah I know. When I realized what had been happening, I knew I could not look back even if I wanted to. I hope things work out well for you in your future

Yeah I know. When I realized what had been happening, I knew I could not look back even if I wanted to. I hope things work out well for you in your future

I remember before we had a fight and the resolution was "want to just forget this happened?" sounds strange for me to say it, but I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna enjoy my freedom too and getting myself back. But I did/still do love you and will have complicated feelings about all of it, as long as I believe it was not intentional.

I didn't block you

I deleted it

It's deactivated for 14 days until it's finally deleted

That's how they do it

They'll still be there without my account

I only uploaded one pic of us

I didn't upload any pics from a party

I didn't upload any pics from Norooz party

Also I still have the 450

Sure

I had to send you the money as a check through my bank

You should get it by Friday

Probably shouldn't talk to you too much for now because it makes me want to see you and that's not good. I wish this was just a bad dream that I had and not actually my life

I'm really sad that you are not the person I thought you were. I thought you were my confidant and my friend. You can be possibly, if you are able to get help and get better.

I do think you cared about me though. I believe it. I just think you have your own issues to work through until you can do that healthily in a relationship

I do think you cared about me though. I believe it. I just think you have your own issues to work through until you can do that healthily in a relationship

If you do get help, let me know. It would make me happy to know that

Did you come here at 3am last night?

Somebody called my place through the intercom at 3am

They didn't say anything. I'm not sure I even pushed the thing for them to talk because it woke me up in the middle of an night and freaked me out

This is not true. You demanded my attention constantly and continually complained that I wasn't giving you enough time before I moved in with you. You continually broke me down throughout the entire relationship. Our relationship didn't make need insecure, your abuse did. And I am feeling like myself more now that I left. The only reason I stayed do long is because you strategically destroyed my self worth while building up yourself and making me feel like I should be grateful for you when you only made me feel like shit about myself. I can breathe now. I can hear myself. I can be a real human being. I did not want to be abused by you. I didn't ask for it. And I'm happy that when I recognized it, I left. If you don't want to accept that reality, it's up to you and I expected that you wouldn't. It does make me sad as I had hoped you could get better.

And no I do not want to be with you. And any part of me that did was most likely playing out Stockholm syndrome.

I think you have a lot to offer the world but you need to get help

It does not matter how I recognized it, it matters that I recognized it. And I did not recognize that you were abusive until Wednesday. I had thought you were manipulative before, but you had already slowly and strategically worked at destroying by own sense of self and my own thoughts so I thought I was crazy

And youree still trying to do it

I cannot talk to you if you are going to continue to try to manipulate me and call me crazy

You need help

I still consider myself lucky that I was able to finally see what was happening.

No

We did have relationship problems. In the past when I have responded in ways that I did to you, it was to somebody who was abusive. I did not respond that way to Dustin because even though he wasn't right for me, he never abused me
And you were/are abusive towards me and I can't handle having a conversation with you about it because it's toxic. You are just going to try to control me again through manipulation. I can't handle that. The reason I left so drastically is because I knew I couldn't look back. I knew I needed out and I knew that you would try to talk me out or make me feel guilty about leaving or in some other way control me. I do not feel safe because the problem is Nick, you are powerful. You are privileged and you are intelligent. And you are manipulative. And so honestly, you're incredibly dangerous. I fled for my life once I realized what had happened. I was terrified. I don't care if you think I'm being dramatic. That's the truth. Even so, I do care about you and hope you get the help you need.

And to be clear in previous abusive relationships, it took the guy rejecting me in some way to cause me enough pain to realize I needed to get out too. I was head over heels with guys that abused me because of Stockholm syndrome. I thought they were the greatest and wanted to be with them even though they treated me like crap

Joey the guy who raped me. He ignored me and I think ultimately he broke up with me and I was crazy about him

And he raped me

My desire to be with an abusive person doesn't mean they weren't abusive

It means I'm fucked because I have been abused before and so I get attached to it

I would like a resolution with you but I don't know if that is safe and I'd hate for my voice to get lost in it which is likely. I'm just now getting myself back and feeling like me again. Starting to feel like I'm a real person. I have hope. I don't want to go back to being controlled. You are a very dominant and controlling person and I don't know that I could meet with you without losing myself more since the pattern is already established. It just doesn't feel safe. One thing you could do to make me feel better is to get counselling

Stop challenging what I say. In some cases, it's fine and should be encouraged. In this case it just adds to the continual erasure and dismissal of my thoughts. Not everything is up for debate and discussion, especially given our power dynamics.

You can just say I'm right

Also you don't know what I think

So stop trying to explain it to me

I can't handle you

If you want to continue talking to me you're going to have to learn when to be quiet and just say that you were wrong without a bunch of excuses

I'm done with your manipulation

Yesterday when I was shadowing Dr Teshome, a black pharmacist, his white student literally says to him, "just to play devil's advocate..."
I do not need correcting, you do. Just because you're progressive and activist doesn't mean you can't be fucked up. You may know the right things to say and that will fool some people, but you're not fooling me. You need to work on your self love so you're not so insecure which manifests through inflamed ego and manipulation.

I don't mean to be mean about it but I don't have any patience left

You're gross

Don't ever talk to me again

Also, don't even think that you're that important for somebody to hold a workshop on you. You are just another abuser. That only difference between you and the others is you're more dangerous because you know progressive talk and you are intelligent enough to be more effective in your manipulation.

You need to get over yourself

You'll tell all your friends that I just lost it. She's crazy. And even if they're feminists they'll believe it because you say you're one too.

I should have paid more attention to Jessie and go the woman you raped that won't talk to you. So I can't blame other people who will discount me. It's just sad

I should have paid more attention to Jessie and go the woman you raped that won't talk to you. So I can't blame other people who will discount me. It's just sad

You would. You'd just say it in your own way so it'd be more credible. You can't get away with outright misogyny, but you can get away with it subtly.

I don't need any affirmations from you

I don't need anything from you except an apology without a bunch of excuses and exceptions tied to it. And I don't even really need that.

So I'm just going to say my piece and get it over with: you're abusive and dangerous. You never did respect me. I'm sad to finally see you as you are and that you cannot be reached to get help for yourself. I'm happy to be free and wish that you were able to be reached as well. But it's not my job to educate or save you, especially if it means endangering myself.
This relationship was all about me trying to save you from yourself while you tore me down in order to ensure I wouldn't leave you, which you felt scared of since the first time I broke up with you. You owe me a million apologies for what you did to me, but I don't expect I'll get one and I've come to accept that and move on from it. I don't have anything else that I want to say to you.

I do hope we can be friends

I know it's not good, but all I want right now is a hug from you

Can you come over and give me a hug?

People don't give me good hugs. I have been meeting up with friends the past few days to try to cope. I met up with a friend today too.

I am better off this way and I do feel free, but I'm also sad

I had a strange dream that I went to a sex-worker house to try bdsm with a woman. You're right though. I need to just self-soothe

I wish you could come over

I haven't heard back from my counselor yet. However, after taking to some people I'm close to, it seems like my first instinct that the counseling is a bad idea is right. I do think that you should still go and I hope you do. For now, I'm not interested in going to it with you. I would like to be friends with you in the future. Please keep me updated with your progress

I don't know if I told you this, but I also have a fear that this idea of counseling with us together is your last attempt to control the situation. I have no desire to be controlled, which is why I left. I can't subject myself to that again. But I still really do hope that you keep looking into it for yourself

Just want to let you know I'm doing well in case you were worried. I cleaned up my whole place and made it pretty. I am doing really loving things for myself.

Just want to let you know I'm doing well in case you were worried. I cleaned up my whole place and made it pretty. I am doing really loving things for myself.

Thanks, hope you're doing good too

I am probably going to stop by when I get home from work to pick up a package and a few things I left

Somebody accidentally told me that you're sad

I didn't wanna know, but I hope you feel better

I don't need all of it. I'm just gonna get my small pot, my canola oil thing, my peeler, one of Molly's toys, plus my package.
I can pick it up tomorrow

I don't need all of it. I'm just gonna get my small pot, my canola oil thing, my peeler, one of Molly's toys, plus my package.
I can pick it up tomorrow

Hope you feel better soon

I might have some concealer in the medicine cabinet too, I can't remember

I'm just not going to text you. It stresses me out and I'm sure it's not pleasant for you either. Maybe sometime in the future things will be different

Lol, I can just get it myself. I wasn't planning to coordinate with you

Also don't text me again.

I'm pissed you even sent me that when you could have asked someone else to let me know

But it's not worth it for me to get upset. My time is more valuable than that

The further I get away from you the more I realized that friendship makes no sense at all. There's no reason for me to be friends with my abuser even if you were getting help. I would constantly have to keep you in check which would be both exhausting and dangerous and just a bad idea. I don't care what happens to you in life.

That was very triggering and I'm very upset. You still owe me apologies and you need to go get counseling. My Dad told me it's a terrible idea for someone to go to counseling with their abuser and the abuser just uses it as another area of that person's life to control. You were controlling with everything including what I ate. Your excuse for all your controlling was because you wanted what you thought was best for me. That's gross. I had to tell you several times to stop being paternal

Please only contact me in the future to apologize and/or to tell me you're getting help

By the way, I told my counselor about you thinking I had BPD and she thought that was ridiculous and said she has worked with people with that disorder before and it's usually apparent by the second session. She strongly stated that she does not think I have that. Also, now that I remember back, even the way you first tried to tell me I had BPD was manipulative. Contrary to what you've been told your whole life, you are not God. You aren't an expert on everything. Even when you described why you liked me to my friends, all you talked about is how I am of service to you.

After I watched moonlight and was triggered by it, I didn't trust you when you came home. I was starting to realize that you were the same. You felt exactly the same to me, but I didn't understand it yet. Even from the beginning when you kept reminding me of Rob, I put that fear aside and trusted that you were different. How could you be like that. You were a feminist and an activist and not even a man.

It was only when the abuse started to feel familiar that I was able to finally understand. Previously I had described and thought of you as very "persuasive" never manipulative. But manipulative is the more accurate adjective

I just saw Jenny in passing and she ran away when she saw me. I really hope you are not telling people bad things about me.

I thought maybe we could be friends one day. I thought you might reassess yourself. I guess I was wrong

I hate you. I hate what you did to me. I hate that since you're a stupid white privileged asshole who disguises themself as a womanist that you get away with murder. You are literally the most disgusting thing on the planet and I never want to hear from you again. Fuck you for your stupid "One day you'll see...

Letter

You don't deserve people like Jamie and I wish she knew that you're a disgusting rapist and abuser

I can't believe you even had the gal to send me that bullshit fucking letter and I'm really fucking pissed. You are shit. Literal shit. I have told you what you did and you never owned up to it. Instead you gaslit me every single fucking time you contact me! Yes I am angry and I have a right to be!

Honestly I have nothing good to say to you and you aren't worth a single breath of air. I can only wish the worst for you so I'm going to go ahead and let you go even though I would love to punch you in your stupid face and beat the shit out of you for what you did to me.

I hate you

Never contact me again

If I could in some way beat the shit out of you, I would love to do it. Seriously. It would be very cathartic for me. I hope you suffer

At least rot in hell

I hate that the message you sent me was pure bullshit where you acknowledge absolutely none of the shit you did. All you ever fucking do is gaslight and invalidate me.

Like honestly I wish you would die

If you could just die now I think I would feel a little peace of mind

Thanks for nothing and I hope you get what's coming to you

If you were to come here and hand me a gun it would be extremely hard for me to not go ahead and shoot you in the head. The only reason I would not is because I would go to jail

But I believe you deserve to die

Oh and for the record you may be lonely and you deserve that. I'm not. I have tons of friends, a new dog, and a new guy. I'm doing much better now that I'm recovering from your abuse.

I hate that you triggered me with your stupid gaslighting and invalidating email. I hate that I can't focus. I hate that because I'm a woman, my legitimate anger at you for the sustained abuse I received from you would be held against me. I hate that for now you're getting away with this shit. You will not forever though. I promise you. You will have to pay for it. I don't give a fuck how big you think you are.

If I were to cut off your head and drag it into the streets for everyone to see, I would be justified in it. People would learn not to be like you.

I already know the cards you will/have played. The "innocent white victim" where you shed white tears so that people feel bad for you. The "jock", "Dude, she just really wanted to be with me and she's just upset that I rejected her." The typical guy, "My ex is so crazy!" except you won't say it in typical guy language. You'll say it in activist lingo so you'll still have cred.

What you haven't actually done is own up to being abusive and a rapist. And I don't think you ever will because manipulation is such an essential part of your existence. I think it's all that you know

Also, since you thought it's okay to diagnose me with shit. You should know you have narcissist personality disorder. I'm probably playing into it by giving you attention so you think you're really important. But you're not important. You're just an abuser with extra privilege and who takes advantage of their "activist status" and uses it to manipulate.

Ten Ways you abused me over a year:
1) pressured me to have sex with you at least twice a day and put me through hell if I refused you. aka, you raped me. 2) tried to make me take care of all of your "needs" 3) demanded all of my time and complained that I didn't give you enough and threatened me for it. 4) criticized me constantly and constantly tried to "correct me" and tell me what I thought was wrong (continual invalidation) 5) ignored my attempts to gain control over my body by requesting that you "asked to enter me". Instead you laughed at it. 6) came in me without asking. Dismissed my worries about getting pregnant afterwards. 7) decided to start seeing other women without telling me while I was in Florida getting an abortion because of your lack of respect for my body. (aka you cheated on me) 8) told me that I couldn't trust my counselor because she just couldn't understand your way of thinking. Since I was being gaslit and invalidated continuously I lost myself and would just repeat what Nick told me to my counselor even when she questioned it. (aka you prevented my counselor from helping me) 9) Told me that my family and friends didn't treat me right, so that I couldn't trust them anymore but could only trust you. 10) Told me that you wanted to help me, when in reality all you wanted to do was control me.