Everybody always looks at me when I laugh

They think I laugh weird

I'm guessing

I laugh loud, but it feels good. I don't want to laugh softly

My mom always told me I'm too loud when I laugh, but I enjoy it. Oh well. Sorry if my happiness makes people uncomfortable!!

Not! ��

My classmates are the worst. They post this shit

How do people think this is funny!

I want to comment, but everyone already hates me for being an outspoken brown woman.

Should I comment? Ugh, I'm so annoyed

I'm already really unpopular

I want to

I know. All the white people will gang up on me

And everyone else will be too afraid to speak up

That's what always happens

I was shaking from anger and feeling like my heart was going to come out chest, so I had to say something

I'm probably going to be even more unpopular

But oh well

Fuck them

I'm still shaking

I'm okay

I am reporting it

Not sure not sure what good will happen

I wasn't going to report it, but Kim convinced me

Hi babe, can you bring chipotle? I don't have food at home. I will buy you food next time we go out

Chicken bowl
White rice Black beans Pico de gallo Extra pico de gallo Corn Extra corn Lettuce Cheese Guac I forget what other veggies, but if there's other veggies, I will take those too!!

Great!!

Did you take medicine?

Feeling better?

Okay! I'm sending you my love!!

Should I vote yes on three?

Why?

I thought it was to increase the cigarette tax to help fund schools

Hmm

Okay

Just finished voting!!

Ohh honayyy!!

Did you vote yet?

I skipped it because I was going to be late! I'm gonna take the quiz tomorrow and just study for law now!

Hey babe. I don't like when you talk about getting murdered

Okay, thanks

I don't think you would like it if I was saying I'm gonna get murdered

I'm gonna go get killed too!

Okay I'm not really going to

I just am anxious and miss you

Thanks honey! I love you too!

I think that higher education is deadly to minorities. I remember I had a feminist friend went off to grad school and she was really worried about it killing her. I didn't really understand that then. But now I think the education system is designed to break people

Yeah

I'm pretty much done. I just have one semester left after this. Then I can take my diploma and enter a residency program hopefully

Next week I'm shadowing at the VA

That's when hopefully I can get more information on how to work there

STLCOP can be like Ellsworth!

5 weeks!

Did I ever tell you I posed as a white man online before to see how it would feel?

It was like you would expect. I could say really radical things and still be considered reasonable and people would think about what I said

It was nice to get a taste of what it's like to be a little more human

As a brown woman online, it's so much more hostile. People really try to put you in your place

I mean same is true in real life

It's just more veiled

That's nice

Oh yeah. It's amazing

I always go back to my French class in highschool where I was struggling to be heard speaking on equality and was brushed off by everyone in the room. They were upset that I was even talking. They didn't want me there

Then a white boy in the class said what I was saying the entire time and everyone stopped to think about it

It's amazing to have that much power

I want it, which is why I did the experiment. Everybody was nice to me

No sexual harassment

No being disregarded as an angry lesbian

No comments on my looks

Just respect

And actually being heard

As a woman it's funny. The biggest threat people give you is that no men will want you

I have been warned about that growing up whenever people thought I was too outspoken

Well, the second message in there is that I should be really concerned about men wanting me

They were trying to scare me and make me think that I couldn't be loved and be outspoken

I know. They prey on basic human needs

Okay we can talk in person

I want that white man power, where I know I can be heard when I speak

And I want it without having to be a white man

My mom's mom told her the same thing. She said she would need a "special man" because she was "difficult"

A woman came up at the pharmacy the other day and told me that she didn't want her granddaughter to get married and that it wasn't worth it! Just made me think of how a lot still needs to change in marriages. Women are constantly making up for men's inadequacies and making excuses for them.

Okay that's all I'll say for now

I'm going to school to study more before my exam

A lot of times I think about these things when I'm supposed to be studying

The last thing I want to say is that I can't stand when women excuse male aggression. I see women make themselves small and try to calm down an angry man. That pisses me off. She shouldn't have that burden and instead she should bash him over the head with a cast iron skillet. Then he can learn to be more sensitive of other people

I hate when my mom has begged Roger not to leave her or when Roger was aggressive with her. It makes me so upset I wished she killed him at the time

I have had fantasies of bashing men in the head with pots and pans. That's what I've always thought of. Because I imagined I would be in danger and that seemed like the best weapon in my home

Did you have dinner?

I am going to make food before I head over!

Okay, I was just seeing if you wanted me to bring you food

I don't think Jill is going to win!

I heard that it has never happened that one party ruled for three terms in a row

So if history is an indication, Trump is guaranteed to win

Omw!

Sorry took a sec to eat and put food away!

I'm here!!!

I don't want to go into work

I know an old white man is going to say something to me

They always do that

They love rubbing it in my face that they have more power

If an old white man says something to me, I'm saying something back. Fuck being professional!!!

They think it's fun. They think it's "teasing"

"Oh I'll say something to the minority woman to upset her. It'll be so cute! I love how easily I can upset people."

I won't. I'll let them see me punch them in the face

I'm still going to say something. I want to say, "Your days are numbered old man" or something like that

Lol! That's good! Maybe I will say something like that so I can insult him without losing my job

Yeah, but that could be taken as an innuendo and I can't stand sexual harassment from old white men.

I like the first thing you said though!

Yeah! That's good!

I bet you I will be reprimanded by the pharmacist though

I hope not, but I have a feeling they will

They are not progressive

I will still do it

But I'm sure the pharmacist will say something to me if they hear it

People view silence as agreement

I hate that often my response to white aggression is to be whiter than them via my class privilege. I put on my white face and try to use more complex language to intimidate them.

People of color learn how to act white to survive

I fall back on "I'm smarter than you"

Which I am, but it feels dirty

It also feels like an appeal for approval still

Ugjlh

I need to decolonize

I hate playing up my whiteness to appear more professional too

I def do it

I speak in my deeper more serious voice and be sure to sound white

Unless I'm comfortable

If I'm comfortable I don't rely on that

It's a defense mechanism

Not to excuse it, but I think a lot of people make those trades

I forgave Mina at work for her internalized racism and decided to bond with her since she's in distress. She's already received threats

I just realized that she sees me as a white ally

A lot of poc see me as white

Diana use to tell me that too

I think because I am half white and raised in the Midwest, which is very white. But it's been a common occurrence that I don't count as white to white people or brown to brown people.

Every minority I know has had trouble getting up today and facing the world

Like I can feel it in the pharmacy

There's such a divide

There's a black pharmacist and when I came in she and I talked because we knew and I also talked with Mena because she knew

But Ly is Asian and she doesn't know

The rest of the staff are white and they don't know

Shanell left

So now it's just me and Mena

I accidentally invited you to something that is a black only event

I'm sorry

I feel bad. I didn't realize until I already invited you and some other people

I don't know how to take back my invites!

I love you and hope your allergies get better!! Have a goodnight love and hopefully we get to see each other tomorrow!!

I appreciate you coming over to see me even just to do work together!

Okay goodnight!! Sleep well!!

������

I hope you are not unhappy with me

So I was thinking about the part of me that liked Mena's post of Melania naked photoshoot and I think it has to do with the fact that she's white. White women can do anything and still be labeled respectable and even "innocent". There's no way Michelle Obama could have done that and Barack Obama be president. Mena and I could not get away with it. So it's like, I liked making fun because I feel that double standard. But it's not pretty and I know that it's not Melania's fault and making fun of her is still misogynist.

Yeah. It's like being a brown or black woman, your body is already oversexualized compared to white women and you already are presumed "uninnocent". I know the concept of sexual innocence is fucked which is why I put it in quotes, but it still applies.

That's why I have been sexually harassed by so many old white men. Because they have the power and my body is seen as "up for grabs". There's no respect or desire to protect me like they have for white women.

Just realizing that the need to always be happy and smiling is a tool of the white supremacist patriarchy. If I don't do that, they don't like me. I know people have been saying it, but I didn't fully get it until now. They want me to let them know I'm okay with them all the time. They only accept me if I'm pleasant and non-disruptive.

This whole "be positive" thing is a big silencing technique

That one has been really hard for me. I want people to like me so I have tried to be positive and sweet. But people still won't like me they'll just feel I'm easier to control

That's why I was so angry when that white lady at the pharmacy told me to keep my chin up

It pissed me off and made me wish I didn't give her a chance and let her know I was sad too

I don't like that you didn't acknowledge my thoughts and asked me a question about something else.

Well I'm at school right now

Sure I can help you clean your place

I know this might not sound fair, because I know you've helped me clean before, but I'm sensitive to helping men clean. I just have seen that be the work of so many women while men sit around and relax because they "bring in the money". I know that's not you though. I'm just being honest and letting you know my sensitivities. But I will help you!

Lol okay

I think I'm going to skip therapeutics and go home and clean

My family is so gross

A lot of them voted for Trump

My Aunt Aida and her family voted for them and so did my Aunt Vedad

They don't like me. They think I'm crazy

Allen Elaine and Elika were against Trump though

They're also less able to pass as white than Vedad. And although Aida can't pass as white she married a physician and declared herself conservative long ago. I think she has more internalized racism from being called "blackie" as an insult in Iran because she is dark

Nobody wants to be like me in the daily so everybody else tries to act more comfortable with the status quo so they won't be outcast and dismissed the way I am

In the family*

I just wish all these nice comfortable white people who are calling for peace and acceptance could go to bed and wake up black in the morning so they could learn to deal with it

Great job honey

I'm going to have to workout too

I need to go back to school to go to IT for a mandatory laptop check up

And I don't want to walk or pay for parking

So that means I'm going to have to use the gym

����

I'm getting tired of Elika being sad

She should just call him and then move on if he says he doesn't want to see her anymore

This is getting ridiculous

She is playing this game and hurting herself

I don't have the patience for it

I am getting upset because she won't take my advice and keeps saying she's upset

I like when people take my advice

I just did

No I didn't ask that before. She has asked for my advice so I thought that's what she wanted

I just asked her now. Thanks, that's a good point

I can be a better friend for her

What time is your event tonight?

Want to go get massages with me?

Whenever!

When works for you?

We will need to make an appointment

Here!

Don't stress about me moving in babe. I feel like I brought that up and we're both already stressed. There is no rush, I just thought it and said it. But it can wait, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of it and I think it could be nice!

Aww

I just got the picture you sent!

We sure look stressed in that picture!!

Very indecent with your nipple out!

����

It has to be somebody who is already popular and has power, like Biden

So he won't face as bad of repercussions

Click play

It's a message that I don't want spies to read, so I drew it

Okay baby

I haven't cleaned a lot yet and used my 30 min of facebook (but I didn't go over my limit). So no more facebook for today

I need to get started on cleaning

Marco Island 22, 23, 24

I'm reading my book at work