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I'm still feeling like shit today. I had trouble sleeping when I got off the phone with you last night. I stayed up for what felt like a few more hours and I just felt worse and worse, until I realized I need to accept the pain to stop it from growing in me and also trust that if I let go I will wake up tomorrow. I was able to accept the pain I felt and that helped it dissipate. I couldn't really trust fully that I'd wake up the next day but I told myself even if I don't it's okay and eventually I fell asleep.

I'm still working on both apologizing to myself for treating myself like shit and also forgiving myself for my mistakes

It sounds really narcissistic but I think I need to do it to survive. This stress will kill me if I don't address it

Thank you love! I was trying to stay away from my phone today so I missed your call. I'm only getting it now because Roger wants some family contact information! I love you and hope you have a great day!! ������

Okay I will listen to it!

I love you too!

I just bought Malcolm X's autobiography and a book called Persepolis with muslim women on the cover! I'm sure the checkout lady was pretty scared! I wanted a book by Angela Davis, but they didn't have any...

I was thinking that we should make a workout plan together when I get back! We can workout at the same gym!

This book is so good

I so relate to Malcolm's teenage transition in identity and politics as he moved from Michigan to Boston

I have been giving a lot of people bad looks

I just get tired of the looks people give me so now I make faces back

My mom just freaked out and called me an asshole for no reason. I told her that I'm not going on the trip with her and Roger to Naples. Now she is apologizing and saying she's stressed

If I went with my mom I would stay at a nice resort and have fancy things. And I do appreciate those things, but it's not worth putting myself in stressful situation.

She is at my door now asking to talk to me. This is what usually happens when I get upset. Then I always end up feeling bad for her

It is very hard for me to keep telling her no because I know it hurts her

She is so lonely

Scared and sad

I don't want to lose my mom

She says "Please, I'm begging you. If you love me open the door"

She wants to talk to me

I am scared to talk to her

"do you want to kill me? Is that what you want to do? Do you want to stress your mother to the max?"

"at least you have a mother. I didn't have a mother. Open the door"

She compared me to other people who hurt her feelings by not opening the door and said I'm going to damage our relationship

I texted Roger for help and she eventually went downstairs after he asked her a few times

It's so hard for me because she sees me as betraying her, just like she believes everyone else has

It's so hard for me to let her down

I want to be there for her

I remember as a young girl I would run when I knew my mom was upset, close and lock my door and get in my bed. After she was done pounding and screaming through my door I would listen to hear if she was gone or if she was coming back. And I would sometimes get the sounds of my heart beating confused with footsteps.

She just text me and told me that I'm all she has

"I took time off to be home. Please try to be cooperative and forgiving"

It kind of hurt my feelings that you were reluctant to talk to me when I'm upset because you're with your friend. I understand your friends are important. But I thought if you knew I was in pain and needed support that would matter more

But I don't want to talk anymore

Tonight

I can talk to you tomorrow

I guess it mostly upset me because I could tell from your intonations and the way you answered the phone and everything and how you phrased the situation that you really didn't want to talk to me

Like that's the worst for me. When I'm in need and somebody close to me doesn't want to help or offers help reluctantly it feels really hurtful. I would honestly rather have it not offered at all rather than offered in a cold unwanted way.

So I am feeling hurt right now

And I'm upset at you

I'm still really hurt

If you don't want to be with me, you should set me free. I will be nice and we can be friends

No I don't

I am really hurt

Because I don't know what else to say

Don't be

I guess there's no point in this conversation

It's not going to go anywhere

I already told you the important parts

You hurt my feelings. I thought I mattered more. I'm still hurt. That sums it up

I feel like you're treating me really coldly

Now Roger is asking me to come out

I feel like it's a trap to get me to go on the trip

As soon as I step for outside this door my mom will pounce

Good morning

If today is the last day that you'll be able to care for Molly and nobody else can help her tomorrow, could you please put extra food out for her before you leave?

I guess whenever is your last day, if you could do that, that would be great. Mary said she can help on the 24th!

I feel that you are annoyed at me and see me as a problem to deal with

Okay

Neither of them?

Babe, I had to find my cell phone before I left the house. So I go inside and check the house. I call my phone and I hear it buzzing, so I go upstairs to look. I look all around and finally found my phone. Where was it?

Hehe ! You're too smart!!

It was in my back pocket!!

Oh okay! Let me try again without the text

This one is my sexy suit!

And this one is my less sexy, but cute suit!

Last time I was in Florida I was pregnant with our baby.

Did you get the pics?

Weird

I sent them separately from the text so I thought they'd go through

I think somebody is intercepting our messages

We should use a different platform

Hehehehe!!

I don't know! Seems like a raw deal!!

I wish I was kissing you on the beach!!

Malcolm X was a great lindy hopper! He learned when he was 15

It doesn't feel great to know that the reason you didn't want to help me when I needed you was because you wanted to continue enjoying time with another woman that you love.

With Christine honestly, even her "sexual liberation" was white because she was regarded as an angel no matter what/who she did. And like most white people she could get away with murder and simply blame it on fear

Anyway, part of me worries that you won't ever see me as fully human as you would another white person

Good morning babe

I was just about to text to apologize

I didn't know you got my texts last night

I'm sorry I think I went a little over

I love you

I hope you don't have nightmares

Those are some things I was feeling in the moment, but they might not be true

I should have kept it to myself until I could actually talk with you rather than texting it

I love you

There's a really big Indian family here with like 6 kids and it reminded me of you

Because you want a big family!

I relate to Malcolm X so much. Even though his life was really different I feel like we're the same person.

I have a similar mom and Dad as him and similar feelings about my parent's struggle. I love how I get to see how he developed. He first wanted to win over white people too. He fell for the self hate first too

He's so real

He is such a larger than life person

I really wish he was still here

But I guess he is because his thoughts are here and his book is here

I also relate to his anger and want for his people to have dignity

By rejecting white supremacy

One of the best parts is that he scared white people. I love that. Unfortunately that there's few things more dangerous than white fear

If we get a new gym membership, I would like one with a pool. Swimming laps is really meditative for me

I might see if I can move my flight to leave sooner

If I were to leave early it would cost an extra $330

I wish I could come home

I need somebody to be around people that love me without abusing me

Me too

I need better skills to deal with my emotions. I feel like I used to be able to handle them better

I have an appointment with my counselor for after New Years. I need a lot of help

I hope you are okay tonight

I love you and look forward to seeing you when I get back

If you would have been there, it probably would have made you cringe. Repeatedly at the dinner table my appearance was discussed among my aunts like I was a fine goose on display. Even though what they were saying "compliments" it was dehumanizing. "Isn't Adriane so gorgeous? Yes, her skin is perfect and her hair." "Adriane I like your hair long now. Don't cut it short again. Where did you get your eyebrows done? Vedad, look at Adriane's eyebrows." and there was so much more... And of course I said nothing. I reverted back to small me as this is how I was treated by them growing up, only then I thought that it was because they liked me

What they actually like is making me feel small and exerting their dominance by collectively objectifying me

Yeah, the gaslighting was worse though

It just reminded me of all the other times where I was let down when confiding to others that I was uncomfortable, harassed, or raped. Or when people saw it happen and did nothing.

But I guess I just need to toughen up. I don't know why I keep thinking people are all of a sudden going to be decent

I always put myself in these situations to get hurt

I always hope that people are going to care and that I can have loving relationships

I don't know why I haven't gotten tough yet. It's definitely not an advantage to be the way I am

I know that

I just haven't got tough yet

You would think after so many beatings I would have learned to toughen, but haven't yet

I think I am still concerned with being likable and that's hindered it

I think it might especially hit home to my dad because I left my mom to live with him to escape and it still didn't work. My Dad saw that as his chance to be able to raise me and he felt bad that I couldn't live there

I love you honey

Let me know if you want to video chat

Awwwwwww

Hehehehe!

That's adorable!!

Yes!

I really love that!

Awww

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I think Rodney is going to give Molly good tomorrow morning, but I'm not 100% sure because I haven't heard back from him. So if you could check on her when you get home tomorrow I would appreciate it

Give Molly food*

I just heard back from Rodney and he says he has it!

This book is still good, but he gets a little hotep-y in some parts

Can't expect that he'd also be for women's liberation I suppose

http://www.labgym.com/gym-info/services/memberships/

What are you doing?

Cool

Do you feel okay about us?

Okay. Sorry babe. I hope you have a goodnight

She is pretty awesome!

I'm good! Getting ready for bed. Tomorrow I'm working out with my mom and going to practice drawing

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I don't know if this is common experience or not, but when I was growing up I always felt flattered when someone referred to me with female pronouns because I felt uncertain of whether or not I could be female and when they said that it made me feel validated/reassured. I was scared that maybe I wasn't really a girl and was just pretending

I guess it made me feel good because I felt I was properly passing

It calmed some anxiety that I had to know that I was seen that way. I thought I was an alien though. I think that's a common thing

Yeah, I think most kids do that

With an androgynous name people couldn't presume my gender before meeting me. I still think that's an advantage. My dad purposely gave me that kind of name to give me a little more freedom.

I remember specifically in elementary school when I sat down where my nametag was on the first day of school, two girls at the table told me they thought I was going to be a boy from my name. And some kids questioned why I had a boy's name.

I think those experiences are helpful to gender role liberation

I'm sure you're helping Lilia by being an example for her

I'm changing my pronoun to "they"

Good thing we were safe because I got my period 5 days early

I need some life

Yeah got it

I need some life in me

I'm drinking coffee to see if that helps

I told my mom, "I don't know how I'm gonna live. I don't have enough strength." she says, "And I do? Nobody has it."

I think that everybody is insane and that we all just keep secret the fact that life sucks and everybody would rather be dead. I wish I could tell more people, but they would think I'm crazy

Everybody lies to younger people and tell them it gets better, but it only gets worse

The other day I looked up the statistics to see if I'm in an age group that is prone to thinking this way, but I found out I'm not. The age group of people who decide to end their lives at the highest rate are middle aged people. With elderly being the second highest group.

I think I might have Stockholm syndrome

My counselor mentioned to me that I hadn't brought up much about my mom even though I've been seeing her for over 2 years now. She said that she thinks I might still be protecting her

What did you do?

I remember we talked about some stuff

I don't remember exactly what it was

I thought you told me that when I was texting you about my mom asking me to open the door

I have relied on my mom to bring things back to normalcy when I was very upset. I can't do that anymore. People have told me that my mom controls my life and I couldn't really contest it, except that I made my own choices.

Dustin commented before that he thought my mom had too much influence on me

It feels strange to me because in my mind I have fought this my whole life

In my mind I am and have been resisting

That's why I called children's services. But my mom told me that Foster homes were worse and she was probably right. When I ran away to my Dad's I thought I was resisting and I think I was. But then I couldn't live there and when I came to Florida my mom was there to help me. I guess it reinforced that she was my best option

I guess I fought it but haven't won yet

I remember my instructor for social change told me I was going to pharmacy school to please my mom and she sounded disappointed. But I made the choice

I guess for however much I protested and however much I was told I'm stubborn, I was still only a puppet

I lived for my mom

It's funny, I've been sitting here crying on the couch for a while. Roger walks by and doesn't say anything. My mom just sits on the other couch and talks on the phone. People don't have to acknowledge me. They wouldn't know what to say anyway

Neither of them know what's going on

I kind of want to tell Roger to save himself by leaving my mom

But my mom would not forgive me if she found out. She blamed me for my dad leaving her. She said I always took his side

I don't think Roger would listen to me

Let me know that you believe in me. Listen to me if you can. It helps me to know that you want to help if you do want to

If you don't want to, you don't have to

I got that feeling the last time

OK. I might try come back early

It's $330 last I checked, but might be worth it

Sure

Might get cheaper though

I don't let my mom touch me anymore. She wanted to make it better by offering to braid my hair or asking for a hug from me. I used to let her do that because I wanted affection. I can't let her do it anymore because it's a way she tries to control me. She used affection as a weapon

There are moments with my mom is moments when she seems real like she gets it, but they are always temporary. When I tell her I would like her to get help she thinks I'm upset at her

I get there early on Thursday morning

I want to change the color scheme in our bedroom to something warmer

I would like very light pink walls with a white ceiling and paint flowers on the walls

I get there at 9:30am

Will you be picking me up or should I plan on other transportation?

When I had short hair

I want to try to do one drawing per day

I'm closing my Wells Fargo account

Is Molly okay?

My mom is talking to her Dad on the phone. Baba always praised me as his first and best grandchild. He also told me that mom beats you because she loves you. He said it light heartedly to make me feel better when she was mean to me

Awww

I miss her!!

I just watched Ex Machina

It's an AI movie from a year ago

Hey babe. I'm going to fight for it. I'll care for somebody who matters

Thanks