Please come out!

I'm home!

I work 4-9pm today!

A+ for me!

Do you know Mary Matter?

Mathyer

I guess I've been watching lesbian porn as a teaching tool to help me learn more about my pleasure and get in touch with my feminine sexuality. It's hard to do that with hetero porn that is so focused on men's pleasure or woman's pleasure in being submissive. Obviously sub woman in and of itself is fine, but problematic in the broader context and the fact that it's almost always shown with sub woman and dom man. When I watch lesbian porn, I rarely see a consistent sub/dom, which is refreshing. Usually they take turns and switch roles throughout the sex which I really like because it seems freeing. Also in lesbian porn the women look more natural to me and less inhibited I think because they are not performing for men's gaze and their sexualities are not defined in men's pleasure.

One thing that does through me off is that there is a lot more noise because both women are vocalizing their pleasure. I don't dislike it, it just catches me off-guard!
You have a lot of feminine qualities. It was so funny when I started watching it I kept thinking, wow she's just like Nick. You vocalize your pleasure much more than my previous partners, which is really nice. And you give me really feminine looks and enjoy being submissive too.

I want you to be able to explore your more submissive sexuality with me

I slept pretty bad last night

I feel terrible this morning

I love you!!

Thanks! I am coming down with something! Might want to not kiss me or anything if you don't want to catch it

Okay, I'm ready too! Where should I meet you?

Sure

Do you have a place in mind?

I'm in my workout clothes. I can go to the gym first if you want eat around 6:30

I'll text you when I'm done with my workout!

I'm on my way to the gym right now

Fun Workout
Tuesday, February 28, 2017 at 5:43 PM Deadlift Set 1: 75 lb × 5 Set 2: 95 lb × 5 Squat Set 1: 45 lb × 5 Set 2: 55 lb × 5 Set 3: 65 lb × 5 Set 4: 75 lb × 5 Set 5: 85 lb × 4 Set 6: 45 lb × 5 Farmer's Carry Set 1: 50 lb × 1 Set 2: 50 lb × 1 Walk out Set 1: 175 lb × 6 Set 2: 175 lb × 6 Set 3: 175 lb × 6 Set 4: 175 lb × 6 https://strong.app.link/L0fCQzR88A

Just finished! Walking to garage b

If klansmen draw black crosses on their faces and wear white robes, I think I just saw some!

Oh okay

There are a lot of Catholics here

Yeah, I know many latinx are Catholic, but they do it a little differently than white Catholic here

Orlando is only 13.4% Catholic compared to St Louis which is 20% Catholic (with 2.6% hispanic) even though there are many more latinx in Orlando (30%).
Miami is 22% Catholic. I have never seen latinx Catholics wear white robes and draw black crosses on their face for Ash Wednesday, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen...

(Miami is 66% latinx)

I have free tickets to this if you want to come Friday night

Hey! How is it going today?

Aww, glad it's at least going well!

Hopefully you can get some rest tonight!

I'm cranky

I have 3.5 hours left

I got a UTI from the sex we had the other night

Just take it as I got a UTI

Thanks

Do you know a good hotel to stay at in St Louis?

Haha

No, my parents are coming to visit

I'm having pelvic pain. I might need to go to urgent care tomorrow to get some antibiotics

It's pretty sharp pain

I got a flat tire on my way home, I think it's because my tires were a little underinflated. I noticed they were looking flat...

I'm waiting off the side of the highway for triple a to get here

Aww, I would have been there by now if it wasn't for the flat

I was going to keep driving on it, but it was getting pretty unstable so I pulled over.

I need to learn how to change a tire and I need to have a spare in my car

I know. I just feel intimidated by it, but I'm sure it's easy

Okay tire fixed! It got a hole in it, but they can fix it! Coming home now!

Are you coming to the dance performance with me tonight?

It's at 8pm

Is $55 a good price for a tire?

I talked to Lara and she says she has only been watching lesbian porn for many years now. She was like, "it's the only porn that actually shows female pleasure!"

She is so ahead! I wish I had people like her in my life before to let me know about these things!!

I was so happy to hear her say that

I believe that heterosexual porn is bad for women

True

Lin is hanging out with me tomorrow!

I have mentioned you as my partner and we have talked about friendship. However, I get a feeling that she might want more than that, but she hasn't said that...

And I don't want to say something that might offend her if that wasn't her intention

I feel nervous about it because I feel like she might want more, but it is probably in my head...

I don't understand what you just said. Sounds like you contradicted yourself...

The thing is I'm in a monogamous relationship

So I just don't want to be in a situation where I have to tell someone, "hey I just want friendship" like if they tried to put moves on me or something

No you're not. I am interested in getting to know Lin, not in "getting with" her.

I counted about 17 fruit flies in our room

Which means there's probably a few more than that!

I'm not saying its your fault

I have dishes up here too

I hope they all die soon!

Tomorrow I'll try to clear out the dishes in our room

I want you to lick my pussy

��

My pussy!

Fun Workout
Saturday, March 4, 2017 at 3:02 PM Deadlift Set 1: 75 lb × 5 Set 2: 95 lb × 5 Set 3: 105 lb × 3 Squat Set 1: 65 lb × 5 Set 2: 75 lb × 5 Set 3: 85 lb × 2 Farmer's Carry Set 1: 50 lb × 1 Set 2: 50 lb × 1 Walk out Set 1: 175 lb × 6 Set 2: 175 lb × 6 Set 3: 175 lb × 6 Set 4: 175 lb × 6 https://strong.app.link/QirX2XWAfB

My right knee wants to come in when I squat

The hardest part of my squats right now is balance and keeping my knees out

I think I'm strong enough to do more if those were fixed

Moolah Theatre is showing Get Out tonight at 9:30pm! Anybody want to go??

Thank you, feel free to enjoy a bath bomb if you would like. Take care of yourself!

If you're home, can you bring the rug in?

I wanted it to dry, but it's raining...

Can let it air dry inside

In the movie I watched last night there is an abusive mom and it was just crazy to see her act the exact same way my mom did/does. The actress did a great job. The facial expressions and everything. It was like it was my mom on there. I relate to the boy who was silent and didn't trust people. When he moved away from his mom trying to touch him to comfort him and other people, I recognized it immediately. They did a great job portraying abuse.
It was just a lot to see his interactions with his mom as he grew up. To see her express regret and that he still cared for her and the way they dealt with their afflictions together

He left his home to live somewhere else as a kid because he didn't want to live at home, but he would still go home and his mom would remind him that she's the only person he really has. It was just so similar to my experience. I feel like they just have seen my story too

He was bullied and outcast for being different. The main difference is that because he was black he went to jail. And because of my background I strived for approval from teachers in school and used books and TV as my escape

I didn't realize it was a story about abuse. I probably should have guessed it, but I didn't realize it until I was watching it

I was upset and I didn't process it right away. It was a lot. And I also was not trusting you

I guess I went into defense mode after seeing that

I got upset when you were looking for answers in my eyes. My mom would do that and it felt invasive and upset me because I wanted boundaries to protect myself

And I thought about telling you but then I did not think you would care enough and thought for sure I would be let down and I couldn't handle being hurt after seeing it

And to be honest, that's why I told you over text

This way it's not in person and you don't have to offer me anything

And I am safe from being hurt

Just getting a chance to process it now that I'm by myself in the parking garage. I was going to go to the gym but just been sitting here crying. I think I am gonna try to workout though

Okay

I am actually not going to workout

I don't have it in me mentally

I'm just going to pay the fee to leave the garage

I want to go home, and go to bed, but I think that is not a good idea, so I'm gonna do something else. Just need to figure it out

I'm gonna go home and watch a movie

I didn't have a way to get out the garage without a gym pass and I didn't want to talk to anybody about getting a pass without working out, so I'm working out

Almost done

Fun Workout
Sunday, March 5, 2017 at 1:24 PM Deadlift Set 1: 75 lb × 5 Set 2: 95 lb × 5 Set 3: 105 lb × 5 Squat Set 1: 65 lb × 5 Set 2: 75 lb × 3 Set 3: 45 lb × 5 Farmer's Carry Set 1: 50 lb × 1 Set 2: 50 lb × 1 Walk out Set 1: 175 lb × 6 Set 2: 175 lb × 6 https://strong.app.link/akiaB0J8gB

I was just thinking that my Dad did not physically abuse me like my mom did and for the most part did not mentally/emotionally abuse except for being absent. But he did one time use his size to physically intimidate me as a child and I've never forgotten it. He walked towards me as if he was going to hit me and he forced me to walk backwards to stay out of his way. Then finally he turned away and left me alone. I remember feeling so angry that he did that and that I had to walk backwards and if I were bigger I would push him back!

It was a threat. I think I was probably not even 13

I'm just sitting in a parking lot crying again. Once I stop I'm gonna go inside and try to do some work

In the movie there's a part where the boy's (Chiron) only friend punches him in the face to maintain his status. The friend doesn't want to do it, but feels like he has to do it to keep himself safe. The look on Chiron's face when he gets up to be hit again hit me so hard. He has zero fucks left. He wanted to be hit again. He wanted to know that nobody can actually care for him. He probably hoped he wouldn't survive it and was pissed that he did

He got up 3 times to be hit again with so much hate and anger in his face before they all trampled him

I'm gonna go home and take a nap.

I'm still in the parking lot and I'm not gonna get any work done

Moonlight was an amazing movie that I recommend watching and there's more to it than the abuse he faced. I will say that for sure, the directors of this film understood abuse very well and so I almost feel upset that they showed it the way they did. They knew exactly what they were doing when they made those scenes and they had to have known that those are real people's experiences. I'm somewhat skeptical of why it was shown. To me it's similar to sensationalizing violence against women in movies or doing a rape scene for shock value. In this case I think the purpose was to humanize black boys and black men in order to build sympathy in a racist society. I just wish that it wasn't necessary to show somebody's pain in order for them to be likeable or to be sympathized with. Why can't somebody be quiet and "weird" and considered worthy of understanding and care without having to tell about their struggle?

Somewhat unrelated, but I wonder how many guys choose to be gay because of the power imbalance between men and women and that they wouldn't feel right being with someone with so little power. Maybe they think a woman couldn't consent even if they did want to be with a her, so it makes more sense to be with men

When I talked with Lara about lesbian sex we talked about it being more egalitarian than hetero. I think probably the same thing is true with gay sex

So funny!

This is what you told me to do, and she beat me to it!

Robyn lives in Philly too!

I don't want to get out of bed today

I'm hungry, so I guess I could eat. And I do want to workout. Just don't want to get up because that means there's expectations and I don't feel like I can meet them. And I don't want to go to work. I think the environment is toxic and I want to quit

I wish the pharmacy was dirtier and had art and played nice music

You're right. Bed is hardly ever the better decision for me

If I date, I'm just going to be looking for friendship and if I feel like somebody is a good friend, then I will consider relationship possibilities. But first and foremost I'm interested in friendship

Yeah, I think you made a lot of good points about friendship before relationships. I had heard stuff like that before but didn't fully understand it until now

I also like your softer boundaries and focus on continuity of relationship

For me, I can't safely have soft physical boundaries due to my life experiences of objectification, violation, and abuse, and the likelihood that people I date will abuse me if able to is pretty high

I have been reckless with my body and safety in the past due to lack of self love and lack of wanting to own my body anyway because of the pain I blamed on it

I guess in a way I kind of think of relationships as someone who is likely to abuse me that I will stay with. Given that my framework on relationships and sex is off, it makes a lot more sense for me to work on friendships and see if that leads to more and if it doesn't it's still good because I made a friend

I like Tara enough as a friend, but I wouldn't really want another white woman in the house especially since she seems more a positivity type hippy and less like a really progressive person.

But I might not be here for much longer anyway

I am done with classes in may and might be going to Florida depending on my rotation schedule...

So I feel like it matters more what other roomies think

I should know by spring break which is in two weeks!

Just now getting out of bed...

Good job baby!!

Hey baby, if you want the food I made you can have it, otherwise, I'm gonna throw it away because I'm tired of it!

Okay! I'm thinking about buying poppy seeds!

Only within 48 hrs!

I might buy a house and set up a community too one day when I have a salary!

Probably better than living with just my partner and our kids!

I'm gonna go see Get Out tonight at 9:30 at the Moolah! You're welcome to come!!

Okay

Is it your sign that's in the yard?

I'm at work right now

I get off at 9pm

Okay!

How are you feeling?

Well, I thought you might be feeling a certain way and was concerned so I thought I'd ask!

She works at a mostly Spanish airline! She stood on a scale and yelled at him!! I'm so proud of her!!

She said if she was a guy she would punch him in the face! He was military!!

She worked for them for 4 years and never cursed at customers before, but they wouldn't stand by her even though she was facing discrimination!

The new supervisor told her to her face in front of the passenger that she can't speak Spanish and she lost it

This society forces mental illness on minorities

Diana tells me, "A guy is so secondary..." she is saying that Rob tells her she's too dramatic. She wants to live without a guy! I knew it!! Honestly I'm sure she's a lesbian but can't be because of her religious beliefs right now

Rob is trying to quiet her like most guys do

Diana is very independent

She is getting fed up with her church too

Omgosh! Now we're talking about polyamory! This is so funny!!

She has always wanted to date lots of people but religion stood in her way

It's so funny how me and my friends go through similar things at the same time even though we are living apart!

I'm so happy for her that she is choosing herself and choosing her liberation

Last night at work this woman showed me her leg and was like, "don't look at my leg hair!" I would have told her that I don't even shave, but because of her internalized misogyny she would have thought I was gross even though I was trying to comfort her

She was showing me a tattoo

Lin is really upset and has been calling me

I talked with her

I felt bad she was not handling it well due to things in her life and she thought I was trying to sabotage her

I just felt bad because I recognize myself in her in times where I was not doing as well

Voted !

I'm a little sad that we are not gonna have kids

Parallel was our only one (hopefully)

I've been testing my LH

It looked like I was closer to ovulating yesterday than today, but maybe I read it wrong

My app says I'll be fertile starting tomorrow

Lol, no thanks

I am a little sad about it, but still don't want kids right now

This is my analysis and it's obviously limited by my knowledge of you and your mom. But, one thing I was thinking about is how your mom chose to focus on perfection, spiritual growth, and meditation in order to find her peace. You, on the other hand, seeing her efforts and her lack of success, also craved peace, and decided that you needed more meaning in your life. You found social justice as a way to make some peace with your existence.

https://www.blackrestaurantweek.com/copy-of-birmingham

I would like to go to Seafood by Crushed Velvet if you want to go with me sometime this week

Wish you could come home right now and give me loving.

Yes please!!!

If I date a woman, I would like to date tall woman with a soft touch, who has a good sense of humor and will workout with me! I'd really like to date somebody who is creative and I can join them in doing artsy stuff! I can also do that with friends since I'm going to focus on friendship more!

I think the best things about dating a woman would be that we could probably share clothes and that it would help with my internalized misogyny.

Hey baby, I just wanted to let you know that I am probably going to get a massage from massage luxe sometime in the near future! I know previously that me getting a massage upset you because you felt it was similar to cheating. Let me know if this still upsets you. I go to massages to relax, not to get off, but I don't think it should matter in our new framework.

Really, what does he do? I will prolly just use up my hours and then cancel it

Oh wow

My union wished us a happy woman's day!

I was having a nice conversation about international woman's day with a fellow student who is Muslim and these white guys barge into the classroom and one of them loudly interrupts our conversation to talk about what he thinks we were talking about. I just turned away and was intent to ignore him but she briefly explained things to him and gave a fake laugh to comfort his ego for a dumb joke. I just thought, "This is why I can't have nice things." The thing is he meant well and he probably thought he was being friendly, but he didn't realize not everything is for him and didn't consider we might not want to be interrupted for purposes of talking to him instead of each other.

I made it to my car!

Felt like a long day today

Was only 5 hours

But now I'm free!

Gonna go to trader Joe's and get some easy to make meals since I've been low energy

Yeah!! Get it, baby!! ����

I bought tons of food! Freezer is stuffed!!

I got frozen shrimp and pork dumplings and chicken broth to make some soup!!

You're welcome to any food I got if you feel like it!

I feel like I'm gaining weight even though I'm working out

Oh no

Luckily you have a lovable gf

Aww, I would but I'm at work! Really sad that I can't go pick you up right now!

I'd like to be your shero!!

What you gonna do?

Taxi ?

There's uber but I heard something bad about their CEO

I forget what it was

Are you okay?

If you really do need me to get you I can ask my boss to leave!

Did you make it back to work?

I'm having imo's!

I know ����

They bought it at work!

I wanna go home but I don't think Ly will let me go early

Stuck here for a couple more hours