Home!

I predict I'm gonna ovulate in two days!

That's what I meant! You have to choose a different one!!

I feel that if in the future if I'm gonna date women, I will have to be more attractive/put together. Guys tend to be easy and don't care that much how I look. But I have a feeling a woman will probably have more scrutiny due to her being subjected to patriarchy. I have not felt as self conscious around men as I have with women because I know that women know the things I do, which kinda sucks.

I feel very off... and I feel that something bad is going to happen today!! Please be extra careful!

I do not trust this house. I think somebody was here

I feel very strange

This is so weird, I just went to the door and there was a package for me so I picked it up. Not too much later I was and to go and there was another small package with note at the door for Mary and a chain saw.

This is after I have been feeling weird and texted you to stay safe

I don't knew what's going on, but I want to trust my instincts and not just think I'm crazy

I do not feel safe

I don't think I want to sleep at the house tonight and I would suggest you do what you need to make sure you are safe

I have a strong feeling that I need a gun

Okay. So upon further examination, it's very likely that these feelings are based on my current experiences and stress levels. That's my rational conclusion. However, I still don't want to completely discount my emotions. There could still be something going on

Also, my tool vernacular is not that great. After talking with my dad, I realized it's a hand saw, not a chain saw

My phone is going to die, but keep in touch through email

I have 1% and I meant to grab my charger, but forgot since I got freaked out

Also I got a strange call when I went to the gym and answered and it was automated and said "hi, this is Mary, Mary" and then my phone died. I thought it was strange that it stuttered

Could be because my phone was dying, but still weird

It is weird because I was thinking when I was in our room that I need a weapon and then a hand saw was at the door

To be fair this could all be my mind playing tricks on me because I'm stressed so it is creating something for me to be scared of

But I don't know, I don't think I've ever felt this strongly that something is up

Take what you want from it. I just thought I should warn you and other people I love just in case

I came back home!

Mary is also here

Probably nothing is going to happen, I hope

Coming to get you!

I am sad that I didn't get a hug from you

Also unrelated, I am probably going to make online dating/making friends profiles soon. Just want to keep you up to date so you aren't surprised. I'm gonna make it known that I'm first and foremost seeking friendship with women and men.

And non-binary

I guess I could just say, everybody

Me too love!! See you soon though!!

I'm on bumble!

Just found out what a unicorn is!

No I was curious, somebody had that in their profile! So far I matched with one lady in Bumble bff!

I'm new, so people probably haven't seen my profile yet!

I posted it on facebook!

This is so funny!

I forget how this happened, but I'm pretty sure it was from when I was dating Evan! Haha! So funny she's remembers me! I honestly would never remember her and vaguely even remember that happening!!

I already have her number saved and I guess I forgot!

I think she was really funny when I met her!

And she's a tall and thick woman too if I remember correctly! I am only interested in making friends first. But if she becomes a friend and we both like each other maybe we could date in the future!

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Fun Workout
Friday, March 10, 2017 at 2:33 PM Deadlift Set 1: 75 lb × 5 Set 2: 95 lb × 5 Set 3: 105 lb × 5 Set 4: 115 lb × 5 Squat Set 1: 65 lb × 5 Set 2: 75 lb × 3 Farmer's Carry Set 1: 50 lb × 1 Set 2: 50 lb × 1 Walk out Set 1: 155 lb × 6 Set 2: 155 lb × 6 Set 3: 155 lb × 6 Set 4: 155 lb × 6 https://strong.app.link/JXQc6V28qB

Yesterday's workout!

Should I go today too?

Okay! I'm gonna start at 95 for deadlifts from now on

Retiring the 75!

That way I have more energy to do the higher weight

My deadlifts are improving, but don't think squats are

I have been doing three but was tired yesterday

I had a pr for deadlift

And this after a recent pr

But my form wasn't great at 115

I think I was butt winking

Aww

I was excited to move up to 115

It means two 35's on the bar!

Weight, no it means almost two 35's

Wait*

Oh I haven't been doing that

Okay I'll do 110

I saw somebody at the gym yesterday who had a male body and was wearing what looked like bright blue women's leggings and I thought of you!

Is that problematic?

Ahhhj

I have to see it with you

Maybe I'll skip dinner but come for the movie!

Supposedly it's a completely different experience the second time around

I probably shouldn't see it again as it's distracting

But I would really like to

Plus I just really want to see it with you so I can see your reactions

And please don't read anything about it

It has to be a surprise

Did you like it last night when you were fingering me and I was sucking your dick?

Yeah it was nice!!

I love that we kind of had more lesbian-like sex too

It was different than usual and fun to connect with you like that

I feel self conscious about sitting on your face, but I like doing it!

How do you feel about that? I didn't really ask you and maybe I should have..

Okay! Not sure if I should come or not!

I do want to say that I appreciate you though and glad you're in my life

Can we kiss in the theatre?

Omw

Robyn and I are scheduling regular weekly catch up times so we can support each other and help each other be accountable for creating better support systems for ourselves! She has to make new friends since she moved to Philly!

We're going to talk every Friday at 9am central time!

I brought up to her that she needs better support and the reason that she stayed with that guy was because she doesn't have anybody. I'm happy for her for leaving him. And I'll be happy for Diana if she breaks up with Rob too!

She said she needed more consistency in her life and I need it too!

This coming up Friday is going to be great for me! Talk with Robyn, meet with Karisa, and then lunch with your mom!!

I just have to be more selective and consistent with things to feel like my life has more meaning to it

Thinking about getting out again, I thought it was a strong statement that the guy who bought Chris chose him because he wanted his eyes/perspective. "I want that thing you see through, man." speaks to how white people want to steal the very essence of black people. But even if the procedure went smoothly, he still wouldn't truly have Chris's eyes.

I also love how they show they white people acting nice even as they're murdering. They have good manners and are positive. This really counters the common narrative that nice people aren't violent

Oh my gosh

Also, this is a side note, and I'm going to go back to studying, but I am matching with a lot of really pretty women on tinder. I haven't talked to them, so I don't know about them yet, but I guess I was a little surprised/flattered!

They seem nice from their profile blurbs!

Okay, I'm going back to studying now!!

I told Robyn I might date women in the future and she said she has thought similar things!

Oh crap, I didn't mean that you can't also be great for liberation as a non-binary person! But I think dating a woman would be a really good experience for me!

Hope that was not offensive!

True!

Do you want to play??

I would like you to touch my pussy!

Okay, it's fine! No pressure!

I don't care for this guy Lara is hanging out with

He seems like he thinks he is more important

I want to tell him, by the way, Lara is cooler than you!

I think his name is Michael

Long blonde hair guy

Yeah he is gross. I purposely brought up that Lara and I like women to throw him off and it did. He was so threatened!!

It was pretty hilarious to me

I'm not even hanging out with them, but I just interjected while I was in the kitchen

I feel like their interaction is about Lara wanting to feel wanted, and him wanting to her to feed his ego

I want to make a Psa: women, we do not have to accept domination from the men in our lives, just because we've been conditioned to do so from birth and threatened and punished when we have objected. We can reject it and tell men to go fuck themselves!

The problem is most women don't know they're being dominated and if they do know they think that's how it's supposed to be

It might be problematic to use it in this way, but what comes to my mind is Harriet Tubman's quote, "I could have freed a thousand more, if only they'd known they were slaves"

Baby, I am really sexy right now

Come get me!!!

From this morning!

Most guys I know try to exert control over women, even the ones that don't initially appear to. They aren't showing it because they already feel in control but it comes out when they feel threatened. I think it's pretty hard for a woman to have a healthy relationship with almost any man. As a side note, today I saw Lara reading a book about building a life on one's own and spinsters!

Yes, but I just started getting more in the zone with my studying!!

I do want to though!!

Lol!!

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My pussy smells nice!

Wish you were here honey

Goodnight cutie pie!

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Honey

I think I might be too forward with people

Lol, you're right!

I really like her! You might know her, we have a lot of friends as "second connections" and I think you're one of them!

Also our common interests are "abolition, a journal of insurgent politics" and "huff post black voices"

She is nice but she is super eager to meet me which makes me feel a little weird. I told her I like talking to her but I need to study for my exam she and we could meet up for coffee or food sometime and she said she wants to take me out after my exam tomorrow... it just seems like a bit much and makes me suspicious!

I don't think of myself as wealthy and don't think of pharmacists at wealthy either but some people might think that and want to date me for that I think

True

LH peaked today!

Yay ! Proud of you honey!

You are the sexiest person I know!

I want to love you!

You are so beautiful to me, can't you see???

Babe, I know I'm going to focus on friendships but I feel you have ruined me for dating other people. The bar is a lot higher and people can't reach it, even the womens.

Yeah, or not. Either way!

If one day you want to just be friends and I am not dating somebody else it's okay. I think being single is not that bad

Well that's confusing if you just want to be friends. Lol, I doubt you would still be that interested in my pussy at that point! ����

You will probably be more interested in your main lover's pleasure/genitals

I'm a little sad when I think about that

I'm gonna have to get used to being single because I don't want to settle

I guess I do have a fear of never finding somebody to have a life with. I never used to have that fear because it was so easy to find somebody. And obviously it could be easy now too if I lower my standards

I'm probably more upset about this because I have an exam tomorrow

Honestly, all I need are friends, a couple more pets, and the occasional hookup and I'll be okay single

80%

That's the percentage of your like for me that is based on my appearance

Oh okay, that's a little better!

I wanted the percentage attributed to my appearance to be really low

I'm noticing that I'm terrible though. I'm much more likely to swipe right on a guy who isn't wearing a shirt than one who wears one. He doesn't have to be cut or anything, I just like seeing men with less clothes

On women, I pretty much just swipe right on all of them because they seem nice

I told my mom I don't shave my leg hair and she said that that's gross and not feminine. I said nothing wrong with it. And she doesn't shave her legs all the time either. I have seen them much hairier than how I used to let mine get. Also when we went to the water park she has thick nipple hairs showing! But I didn't tell her that because don't want to embarrass her!

I missed you!

Had to brush my teeth!

Love you too!

I've been noticing my eye starts twitching when I get upset or irritated

It's probably stress. It's been about a week now of twitching and it's really annoying

Says it can last for months

I just need to practice conscious awareness and try to hydrate and relax

Also, babe, I think you get pretty irritable when you're sick

It's okay

What would your first thought be if somebody came and shot you right now

Mine would be, "God dammit! I wanted to go home and take a nap."

Now I'm gonna die in the street

I'm walking to my car

Skipping the second half of EBM

Dying is not a terrible thing. There are a lot of things that I would prefer to die than do

Sleeping is really weird, especially when you have sleep paralysis. I have been having it since I was a kid and I guess most people experience a lot of fear with it, but I don't. When I was a kid I would get tired mentally trying to get out of the paralysis (fighting my own body) and give into it and hope I'd be able to wake up later. It kind of foreshadows the depression I would face later in life. But as an adult, I've learned that I can try really hard to gain control of my breath or to wiggle a finger or toe enough to snap out of it. But then there's the problem of my mind, because I'd be in a strange state, and I wanted something so badly I would succeed in waking up and would feel relieved. Then I'd walk around only to realize that something is off and that I'm actually still laying in bed paralyzed. That was so frustrating, and I learned to develop ways to check if I'm actually awake or if my mind is tricking me again. I think that regularly having that experience has shaped part of how I view the world. The worst part is that all this can go on with people next to me and nobody knows that I'm trapped in my body and want out and so even though in my mind I'm incredibly frustrated and want someone to touch me so I can get free, I can't say anything and people see me as peaceful when I'm not. I really think that mirrors a lot of other parts of my life and my experience with depression.

I feel like I'm Georgina too

Ultimately what it's made me realize at a young age was that I'm not in control. There are times when I have some control, but it's only when my body is willing

I saw somebody post something about this the other day and I really strongly agree. They said, "One of the worst parts about mental illness is that it feels like people want you to have a complete breakdown in order to believe that you've been struggling." That is a hard part of being viewed as an able person and having mental illness at the same time. I asked how your bipolar was going the other day and you kind of shrugged off the question. I'm assuming this is because you view yourself as neuroatypical so it felt like I was just asking how is it going being your regular self. I view my depression as a struggle separate from my identity and so the question makes sense to me because it's asking how I'm handling it. I don't want to be a depressed person and keep hope that I can wake up from it if I keep trying.

But right now I don't have the energy. So I'm waiting and hoping I can wake up in the future

I'm just trying to get by right now

Anyway, the point of this is not to make excuses for myself sucking at life. I just wanted to share how I view things since I was thinking about it

I told you this was where I was when we first started dating and that I needed to work on myself. I worried that when you got free of your depression that you'd no longer be interested in me and I'd be left behind. But you still seem interested in caring about me.
Strangely when I picture myself waking up the image that comes to mind is blowing up my head with a gun. I def don't think that will work though and don't want to do that since there might not be anything after this. But I do want out

Sometimes I want to try to act really energetic and happy because they say that if you act it, it will trick your brain into believing it, but I don't want to freak people out because I'm a terrible actress and me trying to act happy when I'm not will look like Georgina and make people think I'm crazy and not want to talk to me

The other thing is that sometimes I wonder if I'm not supposed to be here. Like what purpose does my depression serve? Maybe it is an indicator that I'm not fit for life and I'm programmed to kill myself so I don't ruin the rest of the population, similar to damaged cells that undergo apoptosis. Why am I biologically programmed to want to kill myself? What is the purpose of that except to keep the rest of society free from me?

Anyway, I know that I've mentioned I was sad about you deciding that you don't want me to be your main life partner or to have kids with me. I just want to clarify that these thoughts are not about that. And I agree that we're not right for each other in that way. If you changed your mind and told me you wanted to have those things with me, I would gently tell you that I care for you, but don't want that with you.

And the reason I have come to that conclusion is not because you look different. I just think we're incompatible

I'm explaining what I want to and it's not just kids, it's also about being life partners

No, babe just don't tell me what to say. I was just letting you know that I'm not up for getting told what I need to say or not

Not upset with you

Yes, I appreciate the intent, but it feels paternal. Maybe a better way for you to express that would be to say, "If you feel that you are required to explain why you don't want kids with me, please don't feel that way." Is there a reason that you thought that I thought it was mandatory for me to tell you why I don't want kids with you?