Yes!! ��

Lol, okay!

Yeah!! ����

Did they say it was okay?

Yay!! ��

That's awesome!! I can't wait to meet her!! It's your Dad's side of the family that's all coming?

Okay cool. I feel like that's a little less pressure than your mom's side.
We can hangout until 3pm! ��

�� I can't wait to see you!
I kind of wish I was in shape for the float trip! Is your family conservative? My bikini is not very conservative!

Lol, really?

Lol! I knew it.

Well I guess I'm going to have to take some laxatives and get plastic surgery before Saturday!

Omg! lol

Well I'm still a little nervous to meet them, but I'm sure it won't be a complete disaster!

�� I just walked through it to get to school and thought of you!!

That would be cool!! Do you have a tent?

What will our sleeping arrangements be like? I do not have a sleeping bag!

Does your tent have a clear top so we can see the stars?

Really?!

I don't have a tent!

Lol

I'm so unprepared!

What if a bear comes?

Okay, I'll eat popcorn and call people over to watch!!

Then what would you do?

Ohh! Haha, okay, I won't bring my Bear Attractant!

Oh my goodness. <24 hours!

I told my mom about the trip and right away she started telling me that I should wear a one piece and make sure I cover up since it's in front of your family!

I told my mom about the trip and right away she started telling me that I should wear a one piece and make sure I cover up since it's in front of your family!

I wouldn't do that unless that's how your family dressed. I don't want to look weird!!

Why would she hate you?

Oh, lol no she doesn't care about that. She just wants me to be respectful and not showing off too much. But I don't think it's an issue

I didn't tell her that I'm sleeping in your tent, but she's actually not a prude she she knows I have sex! lol

She is so honest even when it's uncomfortable if it's something she thinks is important. When she first suspected I was having sex she took me to Planned Parenthood to get birth control. And I remember she told me to make sure he doesn't try to put it in my butt! lol

I was thinking about that!

If our tent is near everybody else's we can't do that or they'll hear it!!

However if we put our tent far away from everybody else's they're gonna be like, "Ohh, they want to be alone..."

Yeah, but it's a family trip so I don't know how they feel about that. But it's your family, so I trust you to let me know what you guys think is appropriate!!

Yeah, but it's a family trip so I don't know how they feel about that. But it's your family, so I trust you to let me know what you guys think is appropriate!!

I want to hear embarrassing stories about you! ��

Who all is gonna be there?

Nice! That's a good group of people!

Are you going to drink?

The last float trip I went on everybody was drinking!

Your family smokes weed?

Oh okay. Is there anything I should bring besides clothes, swim suit, and sunscreen?

Aww, I love you more!! ����

Me too, which reminds me that we were supposed to talk on Friday!

Did you still want to do that then or wait until Monday?

That's okay. I hope the conversation is good.

Do you think it's gonna be good?

I am not sure I can enjoy a trip with you if I think that when we come back we'll have a talk and then separate.

Okay, we can wait!!

I need hugs and kisses!!

����

Okay!! �� Come by anytime!!

You said you might come so now I've been waiting for you! I mean, I'm studying but I keep thinking when you will get here!

������

It's going to be cold this weekend! We might freeze on the water!!

����

Got done with my Medchem Final! And it went really well!

Now I just have kinetics at 1:30 and after that I'm free!!!

Me too!!

Things my mom texts me!

A rather morbid thought I'm having right before my last final. Do you ever wonder why people go silently to their death?

Specially thinking about people who are being executed.

Specifically**

I have thought about it a few times. Every time I see something like a hanging, or people lined up to be executed. The people always resolve themselves to their fate. I never see somebody decide to run or kick the executioner, or say something. I just think it's interesting.

It might seem to them a better way to die. Maybe they feel they at least know exactly what will happen. Versus if they act out, they might die in a different way and maybe they want some certainty with their deaths.

I think people accept it, arrange their thoughts and wishes. Then right before they actually die I think they are terrified.

To me it would depend on whether I thought people I love would see my death in person or throw recording. If I thought somebody would see me, I would accept and go peacefully. If I didn't have to worry about that, I would try to attack my executioner. Or at least tell them that they don't have the right to kill me.

Through*

This is how I feel going into my last final. I feel like I should tell that to Dr Salama! lol

Lol, I'm kidding! I sometimes enjoy melodrama! ��

Toilet broke!

I wanted to take a shower, but Idk if that will happen since they've been working on my toilet!

Will there be a bathroom at our camp site?

I'm just concerned if I need to poop in the woods I won't have anything to wipe my butt! lol

Okay cool! ��

I have a Costco bag that's meant to keep food cool, and I have a bunch of ice packs. We can use that instead of buying a cooler if you want!

Okay so I'm about to hop in the shower! I will text you when I'm on my way to pick you up!

I'm going to leave soon! Do you need a water bottle?

Lol okay! I'll bring two!

Do you need sunglasses?

Ok, I brought an extra! Omw!

Hey! I'm home

I pooped as soon as I got home. So weird how my body knows where home is and decides that's the place I can poop.

I looked over my notes.

Good job!

I'm thinking about the why's of why I am monogamous and want a monogamous relationship, besides what I already brought up. I'm gonna write a little bit and then come over and we can talk more.

Okay do you want me to come over?

I can come now!

It's not business casual! Just have to wear clothes that cover you more than shorts and tank tops!

Good morning! I hope you are feeling alright this morning. I had a wonderful time with you and your family this weekend. I appreciate you introducing me to them and spending time with me. I'm glad we had a talk yesterday even though it was difficult and didn't go as smoothly as we would have liked. I know we both have some processing to do and things have been a little bit tumultuous. For that reason, I think it would be good to take a few days off from seeing each other in person so that we can both get a little clarity. Let me know what you think.

Okay, I will need at minimum 2-3 days, possibly a week, but probably not longer than that.

Okay, thank you. During this time I will look into polyamory to understand you more and better our relationship.
I will also organize my thoughts on what I need in a relationship with you, my current concerns, and I will develop some win-win options for how we can proceed together.

Yes. ��
Something that probably would make me more comfortable if we were to continue with you seeing other people and me being monogamous, would be for me to meet the other women that you're seeing. We can cross that when we get to it though. I have a lot of thinking to do to get things figured out!

There is one thing before we meet again to talk that I do want to clarify because you have mentioned it a few times. I think you worry for me because I am currently lacking some confidence. You have asked if I think I am good enough for you and mentioned that you want me to know that I deserve a good person. While I know your intent is good, it feels paternal to me. I have confided in you that I'm at a low currently and that if you met me at times in my life where I was not severely depressed you might understand me a little better.
So I want to clarify that I am not settling for you because I think that you're the best I can get. I know there are many great people I could meet and be a couple with. I'm choosing you and putting faith in us because I think the relationship is worth it.

I'm perfectly capable of meeting other people that I can connect with, appreciate, and have a loving relationship with. So there's really no need to worry about me not being able to find that.

Great. I think it's important to our relationship that you trust and believe me when I say that I'm choosing you because I want you and not because I think there's no one better for me. In reality, I know there will always be something better, but that's not what I think is important.

We can talk about that more when we see each other.

Also, I'm just going to throw this out there. You often are pointing out things about autism to me. I'm not sure if it's because you're just interested in it or something else. If you are trying to tell me that you think I have autism, you should just tell me that rather than hint at it.
Anyway, that's all I wanted to mention right now. We can wait to have real discussions in person.

A few thoughts:
Polyamory offers a different person for different needs as long as you have enough time for them. I am the main person for you simply because I satisfy more of your needs than others do. You have a tendency to frame polyamory around wanting what's best for your partner. But that's seems insincere/paternal since it's not the case at all for me. That's not what I like or want. Instead let's talk about why it's best for you because that's important and it's why you're in it. I think a big part of it is a fear of increased commitment and vulnerability that comes with a serious monogamous relationship. To be polyamorous with you we would need to have a conversation with the other women so we can all understand our places in your life and who fits where, and why you want to see all of us. This would avoid confusion and conflict with the different people you're in relationships with.

Okay, that makes sense. If we have a conversation with your partners I will get to express myself and tell them that I'm unhappy that you are in polyamorous relationships and that I would like to be in a monogamous relationship with you.

I encourage you to tell your partners that if I don't get the chance to talk to them as well.

Good, I'm glad everybody knows.

If it is preferential that you see them, then that's perfectly fine and we can still be in each other's lives in other ways that are not romantic. It seems like that's the case since you've already talked about me to the other people and I only am learning about them now. It feels like they have closer bonds with you and what we have is superficial. You should keep seeing them since they're very important to you. That way you get to sleep with other people, have a friendship with me, and I am not trapped in something unhealthy.

Well, I was wrong.

So glad everybody knows about me and I know absolutely nothing.

Anyway, I don't want to know about them and I don't care who they are.

Basically, I made a mistake by ignoring that you were seeing other people. Now I got burned.

Upon realizing it and that these are all real people who you talk to about me, I feel like my world is turned upside down. And I hate it. I hate that I lied to myself. I hate that they know about me. I hate all of it and I wish I was not a part of it.

At first I thought there was only Jamie because that's who you mentioned, but then there is also Ester and Sheila.

And you told me Jamie was a rare occasion so it's easy to ignore. Anyway, I don't think you're a bad person. I wish you the best in your life. I would like a resolution but I'm not sure if there's a healthy one for both of us. I'll think about it.

But I'm really sore from this. Ignoring from the beginning was a terrible idea.

I went from feeling like we had something close and special to feeling like a complete outsider in your life.

Yes I am.

Which parts are accessible to me and which are reserved for other people? Honestly I can share a lot of things, but I cannot share a life companion and I don't want to. If you want a chance to grow with me it will have to with just us. Yes, it is a risk. And you don't have to take it. You can play it safe with poly relationships that are less demanding. That might be the right thing for you. I am definitely willing to be your friend, but I don't owe you a romantic relationship especially on terms that are hurtful to my spiritual/emotional well being. If you think that's selfish of me then I'm sorry you feel that way. After realizing how hurtful it is to lie to myself, I'm choosing honesty.

Okay I understand that and we can talk about all of that.

I think I left my phone charger at your place

If my phone dies, I don't have a way to reach you to ask when I can pick up my charger!

My email is [email protected]

I don't have an additional charger besides the one in my car that doesn't work

or [email protected]

I didn't bring my laptop and my phone is at 1%, so I won't be able to arrange it. I'll probably have lunch at noon, but it depends. I'm at jury duty again!

I didn't bring my laptop and my phone is at 1%, so I won't be able to arrange it. I'll probably have lunch at noon, but it depends. I'm at jury duty again!

I hope your day goes well too! I wish I could meet with you, but I probably won't be able to tell you when I'm free for lunch!

I'll probably get off of duty around 5:15 if it's like yesterday

It's okay, I know you had plans last night and I'm perfectly capable of driving to you to pick it up

I'm currently developing paper on topics pertaining to our relationship that I want to use as a tool to help bring clarity and direction to our discussions.
With my current isolation and depression, my ability to focus and even speak is pretty weak. At times I have even gone almost completely mute from it. Writing really helps me get some clarity. The main sections I have are: -Answers to Nick's Questions Concerns (In which I have many items that you have brought to my attention) -Questions for Nick -Questions I asked Myself Within those I have many subsections. I would like to discuss these items thoroughly before we think about ways to move forward.

Thanks. I have a thorough and detailed outline going, so I think when I'm done with it it will be a very useful tool for discussion.

You're welcome to make one as well if you like. That way we can go back and forth, first discussing answers to previously mentioned concerns, then questions that we have for each other, and finally sharing our self-reflections.
I think that should be enough for the next discussion. Then we can take time to process and the next discussion we can answer any unresolved issues and possibly work on a way to move forward.

I can send you my outline so you have an idea of what I'm bringing.

Okay I'm sending you my outline minus any answers that I had written!

I sent it!

I have jury duty again tomorrow, but hopefully it will be over by tomorrow!

I may be ready by Friday!

No problem. ☺️

When you make your outline, please send it to me too so I have an idea of what you're thinking about

Thank you. I'm okay. I wanted to hug you before I left, but I had the impression that you didn't want that. I also thought maybe you had somebody over. It does hurt me to know that you are in other romantic relationships, but that's kind of why we're having these discussions.
I love you too and I hope that you are feeling okay. I'm also here for you if you need me.

Same here. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

I'm about to start jury duty again! I hope you have a great day!

I just saw your snap crying. That is really sad. I think it does make sense to choose death rather than live a tormented life in pain.
I think the fact that women having sex is taboo plays a part in the idea that rape is worse than other physical crimes. In Middle Eastern cultures where honor is important and a woman's worth is based on "purity" rape is worse than other physical crimes and leads to women killing themselves. If we could reduce the stigma of sex I think it would be beneficial for people who have survived rape. Obviously sex and rape are completely different things but I think the stigma of sex makes it harder for rape victims, if that makes sense. We also need to clarify to people the difference between the two because I don't think everybody understands it, unfortunately.

Wow, that's so terrible. It might sound sick, but I'm actually glad that she had euthanasia as an option. Of course ideally I wish that she could recover and live a fulfilling life, but the burden of recovering is not something I feel comfortable asking of people. And sometimes you just can't. In such cases and in cases of terminal illness, I think people should be able to choose when to say goodbye.

My jury duty is over.

I'm at the Kiel parking garage

Next to scottrade

I do want one but I'm a little upset about the case. I look forward to giving you a hug when I see you likely on Friday!

Did you need a hug?

I can come back and give you one!

I didn't realize that you were asking for one or I would have stopped by!

Okay, so I'll come by then. I don't look great, but thankfully you like the disheveled look that comes naturally to me!

I googled it and the address isn't showing up!

Omw!

I'm walking over!

I did a really terrible thing and I don't know if you can still date me after hearing it, but I'm going to tell you.
During voir dire, I told the prosecuting attorney that I think possession of illegal drugs should be decriminalized, but they still chose me. I thought maybe it was okay that they chose me and now I can help this woman by convincing the jurors she's not guilty. However the prosecutor did a great job and the defense attorney was terrible. We started out 9 guilty 3 not guilty. Eventually it came down to me as the last person arguing for reasonable doubt against 11 jurors who thought she was guilty. When it became evident that there's no way anyone could believe she's not guilty with regards to the law I tried to convince the jurors that we could use jury nullification. That did not work. At this point I should have stuck with my not guilty verdict, but I didn't. I switched to guilty. And because of me this girl is probably going to jail now. I could have made a difference by sticking with not guilty, and I didn't do it. Now I obviously feel like shit, but it's too late. I was scared to tell you because this is something you obviously would care about, but I can't keep it to myself.

I don't want you to make me feel better. I know I did a terrible thing. I just wanted to be honest with you and let you know what I did.

Thanks for that offer. I appreciate your love/advice. I don't feel good getting dinner when this girl is probably going to jail because I failed to do the right thing.