I can save it to watch with you later if you want! I just started it!

Hey! Just saw your text! I'm watching a movie, let me check what's going on!

https://www.facebook.com/events/629058430586540/?ti=icl

https://www.facebook.com/events/266528997032825/?ti=icl

Oh yeah, I'm down with chill!

Campfire and smores sounds nice!

Yeah!

Okay!

Come over and we can watch A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night!

It's on Netflix!

And my Netflix is working now!

I have fruit, lentil soup, and stuff in salmon/veggies!

I also have eggs!

I think I might have stuff to make ants on a log!

Bring workout clothes and we can go to my gym in the morning!

Okay! See you soon! ����

Open till 10pm, but I don't think it's enforced!

What's wrong?

Are you here?

Why did you text ellipses?

Oh lol, yeah we should!!

Idk why I felt so sad when you were going.

Oh, well you could have. But I know you have things to do! It's good to have time apart!

There are food trucks outside my gym! Korean barbeque!

It was good!! I got tired quickly, but the main thing was that I went in and did work! I improved my form on front squat!

How about you?

����

I'm glad you still did it!!

Okay, well I don't have any event plans coming up! I can do free things until I leave. I used all of my income for the next month already!

I can possibly come to your thing on Thursday night!

Yeah, there are tons of free things to do!! I signed up for the upcoming monthly cycle ride on June 12th, but I don't think you can do that. I will look on facebook to find some free events if you're free at those times.

I might go to that! I recently cleared out my closet and donated the clothes to GoodWill! But I may have a few things to bring! ��

What? lol

Oh okay! Haha! Yeah, I love it! I find out about everything that's going on!! ���� There's also a picnic on June 12th, but it's right before the foodspark event!

Oh wow. You're so sweet! What did I do to deserve somebody like you in my life?

https://www.facebook.com/events/1140986499300767/?ti=icl

https://www.facebook.com/events/125716037832767/?ti=icl

(I meant it. Not bring sarcastic!)

Sure, if it's not out of your way!!

https://www.facebook.com/events/1018935498195137/?ti=icl
This one isn't free, but looks fun!

Weekend Events
Friday Donut Day https://www.facebook.com/events/1004603629629484/?ti=icl First Friday in Grand Center https://www.facebook.com/events/1107284655997984/?ti=icl Outdoor movie https://www.facebook.com/events/1020946184609148/?ti=icl Saturday Strawberry Festival https://www.facebook.com/events/1599476920365430/?ti=icl Free Yoga at Botanical Gardens https://www.facebook.com/events/778169805617413/?ti=icl PrideFest https://www.facebook.com/events/236830933332515/?ti=icl Sunday Transgender Pride Picnic https://www.facebook.com/events/1578743772440142/?ti=icl

I forgot one on Saturday that I want to do! It's the Tour de Museum bike ride!
https://www.facebook.com/events/1086585494734665/?ti=icl

I would have left by now, but I can't find my car keys! I think I might have left them in my car!

Pooped!

����

Old flyer I made when I was taking a course on embryology at UCF.

Thanks! And that's awesome!! You are getting so strong!! ��

You will get there!! You've been making steady improvements, so within a few weeks you will have a new PR!!

Yes, I am going to change clothes and head over to the gym shortly. I feel like a day off might make my performance better, but I also enjoy working out, so I'm gonna go anyway!

I think yesterday I didn't do too well because I was on my period and hadn't had enough meat, so I was probably a little anemic. I pigged out after, so today I think I'll be stronger!

I watch the video of you dancing brushing your teeth for fun!! It really cheers me up!

�� Did my workout! Right hamstring is still tight! Next time I see you if you could stretch it for me that would be really nice!! I use a band, but I'm not getting as good of results as when you did it!

Thank you love!! ��

Today I'm trying to get my place cleaned up!! It doesn't have to be today that I get it stretched, but whenever we see each other! Also, there's an event tonight at 7pm at Tech Artista that I was considering going to if I got things clean!!

What about you? You have the dinner tonight to de Nichols, right?

I saw her name on some events on facebook!

It might have been the Food Spark one!

If you want to help me clean my place, you can come here! I'm getting AC installed as we speak!

But if you have something more fun to do, I don't blame you! lol

That would be great!! ��

AC is in!! It will take a while to cool down, but it's right behind the couch where you like to sit so I think you'll be okay!! ����

Thanks cutie! If I still go I will have to be late because I need to wait for my clothes to get out of the dryer! But it does sound like a fun event, so I might!

I hope you have fun at your dinner party!! ��

Yay! Glad you had fun!

Yes!

Sorry on the phone with Robyn!!

I do, but I'm on the phone with Robyn right now!

I hope you sleep well too! I love you and looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! �� I'll call you when I get off the phone if you're still up!

Hey love. I don't want to make you feel stressed about this, but we will need to talk. We can do it when you feel up for it, but basically I'm not okay with you seeing me and Ester at the same time. I'll always be a friend for you, so you don't have to worry about losing that. It's just that I will not be in a relationship with you while you're with other people at the same time.

I've been going against my beliefs which has caused me a lot of cognitive dissonance. Ester is a grown woman. If all you have with her is a friendship, removing the sex from that should not hurt her, especially if she knew it wasn't long term anyway. Even if it did upset her that you choose not to sleep with her, she can take care of herself. You're choosing to hurt me by continuing to see someone else while we're together.
One of the reasons I know I'm doing something wrong for me is that I feel embarrassed to tell people about it. I don't want to tell my friends that I'm seeing you, but that you also sleep with someone else. There is a pretty huge power imbalance in our relationship. You are wealthy, white, male-bodied, well-connected and socially supported, and you have relationships with whoever you want. I'm a broke, brown, female, who is rather isolated and unsupported, and wants a monogamous relationship, but isn't getting that.

I'm disrespecting myself by continuing to see you while you see other people. I don't want to do that to myself. I need to honor myself and my wants and needs in a relationship. And they are valid regardless of whether or not you understand them.

It's okay. I just felt that when you were consistently asking me to explain and not being satisfied with my answers that you didn't think my wants and needs were valid.

I wish that while we were in a polyamorous relationship that I met the people you were seeing and asked them how they felt about you and what their relationships with you were like and what they wanted in the future with you. I wish I saw you having sex with them and how that was. I would have had a much better understanding of what was actually going on if I had access to all of that. Until the very end I was completely out of the loop.

Well you should have offered it to me from the beginning. And told me that I should meet them and tell me everything about them and what they want and what you want with them.

You offered much later on. At the beginning you agreed it was better to ignore it. That was a mistake. If I had really understood what all was going on, like seen you fucking other women and knowing that they want a future with you, I don't think it would have been as easy to lie to myself about what we had.

I think it would have been real enough for me to be like, "Oh hell no. I want nothing to do with this. We should just be friends." Instead it was an out of sight out of mind thing. But in the end it was a huge problem.

I do not like polyamory. I think it's a messed up philosophy. I think casual sex is perfectly fine if you're into that but polyamory is really problematic. I definitely am not going to date anybody who identitifies as polyamorous.

Unlike Ester, I don't think that you owe me anything, like sex, a relationship, or friendship. I also don't trust you and don't think you trusted me either since you never told me the name of the friend who told you that you'd be better off with someone else. That really hurt that you put that distance between us when we were together. You didn't trust me enough to let me know that. If you want to be completely out of my life, you can do that.

You never fully let me in anyway. I was always on the outside. I never got past any of your guards. So I guess in that way, nothing has changed. I never was close to you in the first place. I was only close to you when I was deceiving myself and you were playing along with it.

Tell Ester that she would be better off without you because you are willing to leave her for someone else and she deserves better.

I think polyamory is a privileged person's philosophy and benefits only those with most advantages in society. I think it encourages hierarchy in relationships and is overall unhealthy.

I don't trust you because you chose to leave me twice in a row. And I didn't say I didn't care if you were in my life, I said if you don't want me in your life that's fine. How could we be close when I didn't know much of anything about your relationships the whole time we dated?
I think polyamory is similar to polygamy. They say, "You can have as many wives as you can afford." Polyamory would possibly work in an equal world, but not in the world we live in. In polyamory it's, "You can have as many people as you can afford in your life with regards to time, money, and other resources." It's not much different. White wealthy men will still have the most resources. Attractive women (or women with other privileges) will still be primaries regardless of if you call it that. They will get the most time, attention, and affection.

You left. You chose to preserve Ester's feelings over preserving our relationship and my feelings.

Esther may very well want a long-term relationship with you, but doesn't feel like she can ask for that.

Okay. Well thanks for your apology. I know it's best we broke up, but it hurt. I wasn't completely honest with you. I felt a connection with Connor who I met on Tour De Taco. He had warm, soft and sincere eyes and a good heart. I did not pursue it because I was with you and I thought we were in it together. But I forgot we were in it together along with other people you were dating who I hadn't met. If I knew that you were going to put Esther first, I would have gotten Connor's number since he was sweet and really into me.

I didn't know the other 3 people that we were in a relationship with. There were just too many problems.

I never said that it is easy for me to feel a connection. Connor is unique. I'm not going to forget or replace you. I will move on and find something better for me, same as you will.

What I was saying was that I was all in, but you weren't. And I would have known that more if I had spent time with the other women and seen you sleeping with them.

The second thing you wrote didn't make sense. I wrote about spending time with the women you were in relationships with.
I know his name is Connor and he's from Destin, FL. He moved here a couple months ago, he lives North of Delmar, and he sells software that helps kids who fell behind in school skip grades.

He's liberal and passionate about helping underserved people.

You'll know him through his gentle spirit, calm demeanor, and kind eyes.

It's okay. I don't know him that well anyway. And I think if I had more information about your relationships I would understand you better, realize where we were and decided to end anything romantic for good. That would have enabled me to make better choices. But I did the best with what I had. There will be other Connor's!

Thanks. You definitely are a generous and loving person. Not the right person for me, but you will make many other people happy as a partner. It will make me happy to hear you're happy too.

You're welcome.

Some things I learned from this:
1) Have a support network before you date 2) Only date monogamous people 3) Never hide from something you don't want to see in a relationship. Instead seek it out. 4) Always love yourself first 5) I need a calm person with soft and warm eyes 6) I want a person who is moderately generous 7) Be more uninhibited 8) Connect more

I think the hardest part of our breakups for me is the fact that I don't have anybody. If I had people to hangout with or talk to, it would be okay. I'm a big person though and will get my life in order.

Yeah, but those are your friends

Do you even really want to be my friend?

I'm reminding myself not to date. It's hard because dating is an easy way for me to meet people. But friends are more important.

It's so easy for me to find comfort from a guy, but that's not what I actually need.

I'm fine. Don't worry. Just got out of the gym

I'm not going to text you so much. I don't want you to think that I need you.

I feel very upset. I don't like that you don't care because you have friends and Esther will comfort you again with her vagina. I don't like that I care and I'm texting you. I'm gonna move on and be much happier than I ever could have been dating you. Because you do suck and you never did respect me and only wanted to date me if you could also sleep with other people which is really lame.

You're not worth my pain or my tears.

I'm throwing away your card and you can take your book back.

I'm going to put your shit in a paper bag outside my apartment.

I feel really bad for Esther. It sucks to date someone and know you're their second choice. I think she's dating you because she has low self esteem.

I dated you for the same reason. I deserve a lot better. I put your stuff in a bag outside my door. You can pick it up within a couple days or I'll just throw it away.

I feel really gross that I dated you and I think I need to take a million showers to get rid of you.

If there was a way to erase all of it, I would. I don't want you to have any memory of me. Instead think of your beloved Esther and how fucking her is great.

If there was a way to erase all of it, I would. I don't want you to have any memory of me. Instead think of your beloved Esther and how fucking her is great.

You made a big deal about how you didn't change your OKC status when we broke up, but that didn't stop you from getting back with Esther right away even though supposedly you thought that you and I would get back together. Should I be grateful you only decided to start up one extra relationship rather than 3 or 4? You had a ton of friends you could have leaned on, but you chose sex with Esther immediately. Then chose to continue it when we started seeing each other again. Then decided it was more important than anything we had together.

Basically what I'm saying is you suck completely.

You hurt yourself. I don't have anything to do with it. And you definitely hurt me.
You lied to me and you failed our relationship completely. I didn't want you for a role. I wanted a real relationship with you. You wanted to continue being poly with me. I obviously don't want a relationship with you. You treated me like shit and put me through hell when I wouldn't put out. You were manipulative the whole time I was with you and tried to discredit my feelings and thoughts because you prefer polyamory and wanted me to fit that. When I said I wouldn't anymore, all of a sudden our relationship was not important and your "friendship with sex" was more important to you. Whenever I stood up for myself you decided it was time to end shit. So I'm glad that you fucking left. Good riddance to you.

And as to it being sad that I didn't get to experience who you are, it's okay, I've had enough abuse. I don't need to experience any more of that. Thanks for your concern though.

You're someone who put me through shit and bailed when you got tired of your own shit or when I stood up for what I needed.

There are lots of people who would be willing to put me through shit and bail.

You never appreciated me and it showed when you forgot to even ask if I felt appreciated. That was the biggest brightest sign.

You think that you're some great catch and someone would be lucky to be in a relationship with you. Actually it's you who is missing out. I have much more to offer than you do and far less shit to dole out.

When you told me that you loved me and we were in it together you should have qualified it with, so long as I get to sleep with Ester. Whenever you said we were together you should have mentioned, along with Ester. That way I would have known that Ester is essential to a relationship with you, in which case I'd have opted out sooner.

"I love you Adriane as long as I get to sleep with Ester. You, me, and Ester are in this together."

I would have got the hint real fast.

I find this out at the end and I'm like, "Esther who?" Glad she was so important to what we had.

As far as treating things like trash. Two wrongs don't make a right, but I definitely think that's how you treated me when you first dumped me after putting me through a couple days of hell for your sexual frustration. Then said we could be friends, but actually had a motive to get back together. Then was happy when we were again in a poly relationship. Then decided I wasn't worth it if I couldn't do poly with you. Future plans we discussed were less important than a short term thing with someone else. Everything we had was thrown out. So actually I believe you threw me away twice, hence my lack of trust and my knowledge that you did not appreciate me.

So pardon me if I don't go away softly and sweetly saying, "Thanks for the good times and I wish you the best."
I have a lot of anger and good reason for it. If you don't feel anything it's probably because you never did care and of course there's someone waiting for you who will sympathize in any way you want.

Sorry you feel that way. You chose it though, so there's comfort in knowing that this was your preference.

You wanted to continue with Esther and me both, but I would not do that anymore, so you chose to end our relationship to preserve what you have with Esther. That was the choice you made and it hurt me. But it was the right thing for you.
I'm sorry I was hurtful to you. I was surprised that you decided to end it when I wouldn't continue in polyamory. I thought we had something special and that what we had meant more than that. It wasn't right for me to say hurtful things. You have every right to leave me for whatever reason you choose and I accept that you choose Ester and polyamory. It was hard for me to accept that yesterday. I felt resentment towards you. But you made a choice that was right for you. Although I hoped otherwise, I knew that that was a possibility when I decided I would not do polyamory anymore.

I would not have given you up for a person that I was seeing short-term who got upset when I wouldn't sleep with him anymore. Sex with him would never have trumped a long-term relationship with you. That's just me though.
You have your reasons for your choice and I don't have to know all of them and/or understand them. I want to be your friend. It won't be easy though. I need to get rid of my feelings, which could take a little time.

I need to change my feelings for you from "person I was passionate about who I loved and hurt me" to "person I have mild, platonic love for."

When I was talking to my therapist she said she was concerned about the power dynamic when I told her I didn't do the color run which I had been looking forward to for over a month! She was surprised that I would not do it because of something you told me. She mentioned she was concerned that I was not trusting my judgement as much and I was losing my voice.
When I told her about Esther, she also didn't think it made sense. I felt more strongly that I had to do what was right for me. She asked what could happen and I said Nick could possibly leave me. But I needed to take my power back and do what is right for me. Unfortunately when I did do that, you decided it wasn't worth it to stay anymore. It hurt because my therapist knew that's what you would do. And I kind of knew it too because I remember telling her, "I really do think he loves me though." But she never said she thinks you don't love me. I was actually responding to a realization that I was having. The friendship will only be a friendship. I have no interest in rejoining you and Esther in polyamory.

I made a choice to put myself first.

If it meant losing you, it wasn't meant to be.

I don't think any of our relationship was healthy.

I know that it was the right thing to do to end it. It was just hard to accept it.

Like I mentioned to you before, it's my worst relationships that end terribly.

I had an amicable ending with Dustin because the relationship itself was steady and smooth and he never hurt me like you did.

I am sorry that I responded poorly to getting hurt by you.

Our relationship was not healthy, we both knew it was explosively fast and turbulent. I still believe I benefited from knowing you. I think I would have got the same benefit as a friend and less hurt that way, so I think that would have been the smarter route to go. But same as you, I was drawn to the flame. We both got burned in the end, but somewhere deep down I think we knew that would happen.

My mom told me yesterday, "Always trust the eyes". You have nice eyes, but they aren't the right ones for me in the long-term. Your eyes and my eyes could not last in the future.

When I think about that I feel worse about being hurtful to you. Your eyes have suffered a lot and will likely suffer more in the future. I'm very sorry to have added to your pain.

It was selfish of me to lash out in anger and only think of my own pain. I didn't really think you felt pain so it was easy then not to feel bad about it. Now that I remember your eyes, I feel really bad. There is hope though. You can create a better future for yourself. One in which you treat yourself better and have less stress and more love. I do want you to know peace and solace.

A good way to introduce yourself as a polyamorous person interested in a monogamous person is, "Hey, I'm Nick and I'm in relationships with Sheila, Esther, and Jamie. Would you like to join us?" That way it's clear to the monogamous person that they're dating everybody involved. And then of course the person should meet everyone they're involved with. You should insist on telling them about it and having them meet those people since otherwise they will not learn who you are and will not understand the relationship they are in because they don't know the people they're with.

I feel that you were complicit in the effort to shield me from who you are and what your relationships were like. I'm not upset at you for it. I just think that's something you should avoid in the future. You need to be 100% real with the person. And if they can't deal with it, they're not right for you.

When we got back together after breaking up, you didn't even tell me you had gotten back with Esther. You justified it with the idea that "we were just friends having sex" we weren't in a relationship so I didn't need to know that you were seeing someone else again. I didn't hear it from you until asked directly. That's information you should have given me without me asking for it.
It's not that I didn't know what I wanted. It's that you were the first poly person I have met. And I wanted to get closer with you and was willing to hide the fact that you're poly from myself to do it. You knew that's what was happening and you agreed to hide it from me. As a poly person, it should be part of your philosophy not to hide it from anyone, particularly if they ask you to hide it because it makes them uncomfortable. If you approached me more upfront and told me I'd be joining a relationship with 3 other people, I'd not have done it. And you never did tell me that. I had to realize that on my own after we broke up yesterday that that's what I was in. I thought I was with you, but that's not possible in polyamory.

I think you use polyamory as a safety net and as a defense mechanism.

I'm not saying any of this out of anger or to hurt you. I'm telling you this to be 100% real with you and to let you know what happened and how it affected me.

I'm not saying any of this out of anger or to hurt you. I'm telling you this to be 100% real with you and to let you know what happened and how it affected me.

The part of polyamory that I knew prior to yesterday was that you were seeing other people. What I understood after was that they were intrinsic part of my relationship with you and that I was also in a relationship with them except that it was an uneven relationship as I knew nothing about them or how you were with them.

I think it was wrong for you to comply with my desire to be with you and not know what I was actually getting into. It would have been better if you told me that I have to know what I'm getting into and didn't agree to hide it from me.

It was wrong for me to hide it from myself too, obviously. That's something that I need to not do. But I think I'm the future, you should make sure if you date a monogamous person who has not been introduced to polyamory, you should make sure that you introduce it to them and not hide it from them.

If you regret breaking up with me the first time, then that would mean that you didn't get back with Esther and we would have a monogamous relationship, which is what I told you I needed yesterday and you told me you wouldn't do it.
Anyway, I want you to know that I was blind in our relationship and there was no way for me to know you without knowing the things we agreed to hide from me.

To hold on to an idea of a future would be to tie an anchor to your feet and jump into the ocean.
Better to throw the anchor in and walk away.

Please don't make judgements of how I would be with kids. We are not right for a future with kids and I would never let my kids suffer.
We had a tumultuous relationship and I didn't handle it well. We seriously aren't meant to have kids together. I'm sorry I was mean to you.

Just be happy that we ended it before it got more serious and painful.

Be happy we didn't do anything permanent like marriage, children, or tattoos.

We dated less than 3 months and it didn't work and we ended it.

We entered the relationship for the wrong reasons. I was curious about you and attracted to your light. You saw something in me that you wanted and that made you feel good. But ultimately we could not get past our different relationship styles. It was a bitter struggle with lots of pain and ended up that we both lost.

Still I benefited from knowing you. And I'm sad that it's over, even though it was painful. We both deserve something better.

I think that often you feel out of control and feel the need to exercise control whenever you can, and that extends to relationships. I think when I told you firmly and directly that I would not continue in polyamory it frightened you because it made you feel out of control. You returned to your safety where you knew you had control over the situation.

You cannot get close to someone if you feel you always need to hold the reins. You have to let down your guards and realize that none of us are ever really in control. I'm not saying I was the right person for you to do that with, but that it's something to think about in the future.

That said, that also influences good parts of who you are as a person. You feel powerful, you want to do good things, and you try to make those things happen. I think that's really cool and I admire it.

Okay, if that's what you think that's fine.
Thanks to you, I have been introduced to cool people and places like Blank Space. I got to participate on a discussion on Intersectional feminism, I thought more about capitalism. You helped me start working out again. So you were a positive impact on my life even though our relationship was a mess.

I just had eggs and sauerkraut for breakfast.

Yes, I imagined that future too. Too bad we didn't work out. ��

Oh okay. Thanks.

I sent her a message!

It's hard for me to make friends with shy people. But I'll try it.

You don't have to do any more set ups though. You've done a lot for me and I appreciate it.

I will figure things out for myself.

She's funny. She said she's tired of being around white people!

Lol, that's so funny. My friend Diana is always complaining about white people at the airport. I find it comforting to be around people who can relate to my experiences in life and vice versa.

About what?

I don't think I shared my experiences that pertain to my color specifically. I shared experiences that are about being a woman and you were respectful. I think the only time I talked to you about color was the time I brought up the movie Dark Girls and I texted you about my experience of changing identity and overcoming the disdain my mother and society had for my pigment.

It wasn't until I was around 13 that I started to think about how my experience is different based on my appearance. Before I identified as white and that was a benefit. It shielded me from negativity that is associated with POC. I wanted to be white like my parents were so when I was told I was white, I happily accepted it.