But later on, I rejected whiteness and realized that that is not my experience. I found solidarity among other poc.

Yeah, that's not easy when you're told that it makes you less of a person to have pigment. The desire to mirror and become the oppressor in order to escape the pain is strong.

It's a burden to think about being brown.

I like to think about the benefits that I have, which are a lot. I like to think about how to empower others. I don't like to think about the negative aspects too often because it weighs me down and I'm less effective.

Studies have shown that having to check the box that says African American before you take an exam lowers the performance than taking it without checking the box. It really is a burden to think about being brown or black. I think that's why often people don't want to talk about it.

Sometimes when somebody brings up my color I get anxiety and feel like I'm getting attacked. It's not that I want to be a white man, it's that I want to be a human. It's hard to do in a white supremacist patriarchy.

I also know that it's a privilege that my color isn't brought up to me all the time and that I can ignore it sometimes. It's a bit of freedom. It's definitely harder for black people.
A lot of white people know that being white is a privilege and tell their minority friends, "You're basically white." Which translates to, "You can be one of us real humans to unlike the rest of people who look like you." I remember feeling uncomfortable when people would tell me that as a compliment.

I love this!!

Yeah, Krutie shared that

Oh I remember her now. She was in the blue truck when we were leaving Mokabes.

Aww, back when we were a couple. ����

It's okay, my heart will go on! lol

I was so into you. And I would brag about you to everybody because I thought you were so cool. I felt so excited about us and our future together.

That was before we had even been dating a month! lol

I felt proud to walk next to you and hold your hand. I thought you were a great person and I felt lucky that you loved me and that we had something special.

I felt proud to walk next to you and hold your hand. I thought you were a great person and I felt lucky that you loved me and that we had something special.

I liked when you would get so excited just from looking in my eyes. That was fun too.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just reminiscing a little.

No those were nice times. I enjoyed doing things with you. It was our relationship beliefs/styles that messed things up I think.

I liked when you came to my place to help me clean it, stripped naked, laid on the couch with your laptop to do work, and then fell asleep! lol

I thought it was so funny and wanted to take your picture

Yeah, I'm worried that I will get my feelings confused as your friend and want a relationship with you again. It could hurt.

Okay. No kissing and no super intimate hugs and smelling each other. Regular friend hugs has to be the limit! No sleepovers or anything like that. Otherwise we're going to do the same thing again and neither of us has the energy for it.

Definitely do not sleep with me if somehow the situation arises and I try to seduce you, please say no. I'm not saying it will happen, but with the history we have it's good to exercise caution.

If I sleep with you my emotions will be out of control and I won't feel it's a friendship.

Okay. We can ensure a successful friendship if we stick to the aforementioned rules.

Yeah, we shouldn't have had sex if we wanted to stay friends.

I'm sorry that I agreed that I could have sex with you and still be only friends. That was not right.

Yeah, it was a mess. That was really intimate sex that we had though. It was so passionate I almost cried. I was going to but you asked me what was wrong and I didn't want to scare you so I held back my tears. But it really was a special thing.

So many emotions on reconnecting with you in that way.
It sucks, but I also think that's how it was when you got back with Esther. If we're gonna have a friendship I think we should not talk about past relationship if possible. That will make it hard for me as I haven't moved on yet.

Me too. I just need to move on. It really isn't about Esther. She could have been anyone. It's that you didn't want it.
I'm excited to move on and be a friend for you.

I have this unfair hatred for Esther. But none of this is her fault. We broke up for other reasons. I'm jealous that you're still with her. But I will work on that and it will go away as I move on transition to just a friend.

I'm going to focus on loving you and being supportive of you as a friend. And since being with Esther brings you happiness, I support that. I'm not going to say I like Esther because I haven't met her and don't know anything about her. But I support you doing what makes you happy.

I'm valuing friendship development at this point in my life. Men are easy and there will always be nice men who fall in love with me. I'm notorious heart breaker.
Eggs are only 89 cents right now at Ruler Foods! I came back because last time I didn't bring a quarter for a shopping cart so I could only buy what I could hold onto.

Is it blues dancing?

Oh! Is it 90's night again?

Nice! Why do you put sad face?

Oh, why not?

Yeah, it would be hard to dance with a broken heart. Plus if I were dancing with you I would want to touch you, and that's not right.

I want to give my counselor a gift. She has been helpful to me since I moved here. Been through two of my big breakups. She knows me really well. I want to show her that I appreciate her.

I didn't throw away the card you gave me, I thought about it a few times and thought I was going to do it, but I never touched it.

I really like that card.

Yeah, I'm sorry I said that.

I thought I was going to, but I didn't have the heart to do it. I never touched it. It's still on the stand next to the hallway!

�� I do wish I could take a nice bath. That sounds relaxing.

I love Krutie and her group for WOC.

Lol, you timed it?
I added Robyn and Diana to my facebook. And Krutie because I had to for her to add me to the secret group. That's all I'm going to add to it. I don't really want to have people on my facebook. I just want to use it for events and for this feminist group.

Yeah, I might take a bath tonight after my workout and read in the tub!

Lol, true.

I feel more empowered from meeting you and being exposed to more radical feminists. I've been going around without makeup. Maybe doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me it is. I still don't think I look good without it. But it's more of a, "Fuck you and your beauty standards!" It's easier to be radical when you're pissed!

You can still come to Florida and meet my friends if you want to. I think it would be fun!

Okay!

Haha that's good. Arun told me that my eyes look scary without makeup and that it looks like I haven't slept in a week. I think I'm going to leave.

He was trying to make a joke, but I didn't think it was funny.

It took a lot for me to go without makeup

People are so stupid

I walked away. So I'm crying in my car now and I don't look good.

My dark eye circles make me really self conscious. It sucks that he had to comment on them.
I guess I'm crying because I'm embarrassed.

Thanks Nick! I appreciate that!!

I don't think that was meant for me.
I wanted to express myself. But I'm not going to see him again. I have decided he's not a good person.

Thanks Nick. I like to express myself.

I sent one last message and I'm not sending another. This is what I said, "It was not a joke. In order to be a joke it has to have a funny component. None of what you said was funny. Also when somebody tells you that you hurt their feelings, you should respect that and apologize. By telling me I'm too sensitive you're attempting to invalidate my feelings, which is just wrong. I don't think it's good for us to be friends."

That's it. I'm not going to say anything else. I just wanted to let him know he's dumb.

Now I'm gonna go home and take a bath!

Aww, looks like fun! I would say wish you were here, but that would be inappropriate!! ����

Haha! Well you're not alone. I am! �� I'm happy you're having a good time!

I wish I could have come out!

I had a nice bath. I'm going to read my book and maybe watch a movie. I would go to bed, but I'm too sad.

Really?!

Oh that's funny

I don't really care. He probably just would have avoided me

But yeah I definitely wouldn't want to be there sad and heartbroken

I blocked his number on my phone

Oh man. If you kick his butt that would be great!!

He's so slimey.

He's puny. The only exercise he does is running and biking.

I'm happy you were almost gonna kick his butt!

I hope he comes at you so you can take him down!

But again it really isn't a fair fight. Evan is my height and not much stronger than me. He probably can't do a pull up without assistance. You're 6'3 and jacked so he'd best use his running skills. Yeah, he wouldn't because he's a chicken.

I think if I worked out for one month, I'd be stronger than Evan.

I have a more athletic frame than he does! He looks really weird without a shirt!

He thinks he's really attractive, but he's not. He's a slimey person who brags about his career and possessions in order to try to impress people. He's afraid to act in a genuine way because he doesn't think anybody will like that part of him because it's dark. So he just performs all the time and makes calculated decisions and engages with people in a transactional manner, with hopes that he'll make some kind of profit from the interactions.

Probably his mom does.

I'm gonna make rootbeer float. Wish you were here to have some!

����

You can come get some! My apartment stinks though. I took out the trash and it still smells for some reason!

It's okay

Can I come pick your brain so I can win the better billion contest?

Oh okay. I wasn't being serious, but alright.

It's really unlike you to say that you need space. I hope that you're okay.

Are you questioning if you still want to be friends with me?

I'm sorry. I know it's not fair since you said you need space, but it's unlike you to say that and it's giving me anxiety. I'm scared you don't want to be my friend anymore. If you don't that's your choice that I'll accept, I just want to know. I feel really scared.

I really can't handle not knowing. I'm supposed to meet with Krutie in a little bit. If I don't hear from you I'm just going to assume the worst because I can't handle it. It's terrifying to me.

Okay. You don't have to if you don't want to.

Don't do it for my sake. I'll be fine

I know I said I was scared, and I was, but that doesn't mean you have to be my friend.

Worst case scenario, I cry a lot and feel scared. I do that anyways, do it's not a big deal.

You can have time to think about if being my friend is something you really want. I'm sorry I rushed you by telling you I'm afraid. My fear is not your problem.

You can have time to think about if being my friend is something you really want. I'm sorry I rushed you by telling you I'm afraid. My fear is not your problem.

And honestly you feel cold and that hurts worse than losing you as a friend. So I'd prefer to lose you than have you in my life when you don't want to be there.

And honestly you feel cold and that hurts worse than losing you as a friend. So I'd prefer to lose you than have you in my life when you don't want to be there.

Oh okay. Sorry I overreacted. I guess I'm just really scared. God I'm so fucking lame.

I'm still crying. I haven't stopped crying since I got your first message

I'm gonna be late to meet Krutie

Thanks! So are you!
I had a really cool experience with an Indian healer with Krutie. I'll tell you later

I'm going to HandleBar tonight

That's good!

Yes, soon

I am trying to find people to dance with!

Today was hard. I felt such ice in my chest. But I understand sometimes you need space

Yes, hopefully will be fun!! I need to break free and cut loose

I am trying to make plans to go hiking with some gals! Have plans to go biking with Julie. I saw Tori at one of the events I went to today and told her I would go to naked lady party!

It's okay. I just hurt really bad. Felt worse than when we broke up. Like somebody stabbed me with an ice pick. I know it was an overreaction on my part but those were my feelings. I can still feel it. But that's my problem.
I'm gonna go out and try to shake everything loose!

It's hard understanding how different everything is between us. And I want to focus on other things and people who love me and women who want to be my friends. But I still think about you. And get too excited when I see a text from you. It's so messed up.

Thanks. I'm in a lot of pain. I'm supposed to go out with this girl Mariah who I met off Tinder tonight. I've never met her before, but she seemed fun from her pics. The only thing is she kinda asked me if I would be interested in joining her and her boyfriend, which was off-putting. I told her I didn't want that and that I was interested in female friendship and she said she wanted that too! So hopefully we have fun!

Yeah, I could go by myself too. I'll just have to dodge creepers. They like to find women that are alone and jump on them

I think Tinder isn't good for making friends. I usually match with lesbians and they get annoyed that I'm only looking for friends

I have thought about dating women before and even tried a lesbian dating app, but it felt weird to me. It's rare that I'm attracted to women and also I don't know how to flirt with women

That's nice of you, but it's okay

I'm still attracted to you, so it wouldn't be good for me to dance with you.

This is Mariah! She looks like a fun person from her profile!

I wish she didn't ask me if I was interested in doing things with her and her boyfriend. But I'm not gonna judge. People have all kinds of things they're into.

I wish she didn't ask me if I was interested in doing things with her and her boyfriend. But I'm not gonna judge. People have all kinds of things they're into.

Good morning!

I fell asleep and didn't go! But that's okay, sleeping was a goodnight too!

The only two people who wanted to go with me likely had ulterior motives to sleep with me

Hey Nick. I want to have this conversation with you since it's important to you and I want to be your friend. I do not think today is a good day for me to have it with you. I will feel rushed in getting ready for naked lady party as I want to make food to bring too.
I had a terrible day yesterday while you were taking time to think, which I respect as your right. I need to have a good day and a day for myself before I can be available to you for something that's going to require a lot from me. I also do not want to have the conversation in my home which I'm trying to honor as a sacred place where I'm building love and positivity. I prefer to have it outdoors so that my home remains a place of peace and calm.

I am sorry to cancel plans for today and hope to reschedule with you soon so we can have this talk.

To answer your question that I was afraid to answer when we were dating, but can answer now, yes I do think that I take a lot of work!

I think I deserve it though. Call me entitled! But I think heterosexual sex is often about male pleasure and since my orgasms are less frequent I don't feel bad about any "work" that I receive!

Yeah, I didn't think you had a problem with it. I just was talking about sex and that conversation we had came to mind. I feel more comfortable answering since we're not dating there's less pressure!

I'm not looking forward to having this conversation with you

I feel like it's gonna be a smackdown and I'm gonna feel more worn out and beat up after it.

I feel like I need to gear up to be able to handle it.

If you come to this ready to fight me I'm gonna fight back. I don't back down.

So I hope that if we have this conversation it is not about fighting.

Okay. It seems like a lot since you chose to end things with me. But I will do that.

I guess I also chose to end things. You could say it was mutual. I will hear you to help you heal and help us be friends.

I didn't go yet

I couldn't get energy to get out the door today

Mostly stayed in bed

I'm gonna try to go to the gym before it closes in one hour

Yeah, I just got obsessed with finding some kind of connection and dulling pain. So I messaged people, checked tinder, bumble, and okc. Then I masturbated and stayed in bed. I've been craving sugar so I've been having rootbeer floats!
I recruited one girl for sure and another possibly from bumble bff for a hiking trip in Castlewood! And the girl I recruited also invited someone else she met on bumble bff. So I'm excited to hopefully get a group together. But even if it's just me and one other person it will still be nice!

On my way to the gym. I will make it with about 30 min to workout. I can at least do squats and deadlift

I got there and the gym was closed! lol

But I saw some friends from school and got to talk to them, so I guess it's still good!

I swore it was till 4:30, but I guess they changed it to 4!

Do you know if people are still there? Im heading over with a few things to contribute.

Phone is going to die

Do you want to talk now?

Should I come up?

I enjoyed spending time with you too. I just got out of a bath! I was reading another book by Brene Brown!

I'm trying to practice self love so that I can be a more compassionate and courageous person.

It's strange, I don't think my vagina used to be open naturally. When I got out of the tub I dried off and as I walked water squirted out of my vagina. I toweled off again, but underwear on and more water leaked out so I had to change my underwear.

*put underwear

I think you would like the book! It's called "The Gifts of Imperfection"

Talks about how strong boundaries and accountability make people now compassionate!

*more

Yeah I will. ��

I wish I was with you tonight.

Can I flirt with you or would that be hazardous to friendship?

It's kind of fun having the idea of us being together as forbidden fruit.

I think it will be fun until we get bored of it. Then we will be friends sans tension.

Which is still good in my book!

I would love to hear your song!

Send it to me!!